Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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 Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved)

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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
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Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
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PostSubject: Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved)   Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime10/9/2010, 8:12 pm

For the seventeenth time in five minutes, Trevor glanced at his watch. He still had ten minutes before the large glass doors in front of him would finally grant him entry. He quickly picked up his Nintendo DS again as he tried to concentrate his attention on something other than the game store in front of him or the large crowd behind him. A quick glance around showed that he wasn't the only one using this tactic to remain sane. Several other gamers were either texting their friends or playing some games while every so often glancing at the doors. The tense feeling of anticipation on the giant crowd was getting heavier with each tick of the second hand. However Trevor's attention was once again shattered as he started hearing some shouting from inside. Looking up he let out a chuckle at the situation inside.

Compared to the quiet anticipation outside, the inside of the Gamestop was a flurry of movement. A list of the people who had paid for pre-orders was being handed out to each of the clerks and all of the back shelves had been stocked with the game of interest. To prepare for the incoming flood the entire working staff had been called to help with the midnight release. Extra registers had been rented for the occasion and the poor workers who had drawn the short straws stood stock still bracing themselves for impact. A few last minute banners and decorations were being hastily thrown up by the staff as if to remind the gamers what game they had waited hours to purchase. They then retreated to the back of the store as the timer on the TVs around the room started to countdown the final five minutes.

"So how long have you been waiting?" Trevor turned his attention from the chaos inside to one of the adults next to him. He looked like he was in his early twenties and was wearing a Dungeons and Dragons shirt. He seemed to be a part of a group of people who had also staked out spots in line extremely early. Trevor had chatted with a few of them but hadn't spoken to this guy.

"About ten years?" Trevor asked still paying attention to the timer. His slightly sarcastic reply was met by a hearty laugh.

"I hear you man, I was in middle school when the first game came out. Helped distract me from all of the insanity in my life. Never would have expected it would take ten years though for them to make a damn sequel. I mean, I know the first was amazing, but I didn't think its glory would manage to blow up so many game studios." He also started to stare at the clock that now had two minutes remaining. "But really, how long have you been standing in line? I though we were early when we set up camp eighteen hours ago, but you were already here even then. How long you been staking this place out?"

"I got here two days early," Trevor replied eliciting a "wow" from the other man. "Skipped two days of school and probably will have a shit load of work to make up when I get back. But hell, its fucking Earl Bombem Forever, worth it to make sure that I get a copy as soon as possible. I ain't waiting any longer than I need to." He suddenly looked as some of the people in line started counting down the final seconds. He quickly picked put away his DS and picked up his backpack getting ready to charge the doors the moment they were unlocked.

"Looks like you won't have to anymore!" The other man called out right as the crowd shouted, "ONE...ZERO!" The manager of the Gamestop quickly ran forward to unlock the doors and then jumped to the safe area behind the registers right as the flood gates were breached.

Trevor quickly dashed forward with the rest of the group breaking, in his mind at least, a few speed records. "I need one copy of Earl Bombem Forever with warranty and strategy guide registered to Trevor Kullen please!" He pretty much babbled at the terrified clerk. Trembling slightly at the insanity around her she quickly pulled a copy of the game off the shelf and looked at her list. Her eyebrows narrowed slightly and she pulled it closer to her face. "Um...is something wrong?" Trevor asked worriedly.

"Your name doesn't appear to be on the pre-registered list, you will have to wait until the people who registered early get their copies first."

Trevor's knees noisily slammed into the counter in front of him as his legs buckled in horror. He was sure that he had also pre ordered the game in advance, he had done it the day that the option became available. He looked around in fear trying to figure out what to do. Iwaited hours and hours in line, there is no way that this could happen.I know I pre-ordered it, I still even have my receipt. Wait...

He quickly pulled out his wallet and searched for it to find his receipt. "See, I have proof that I got one right here!" He cried ignoring the angry voices of the people in line behind him. The clerk looked at the receipt. before glancing back at the list.

"OH. Kullen with a K, not a C! It's so noisy I can't even think straight," she said apologetically. "That will be 75 dollars for the whole package." Not even taking time to bask in happiness that the mistake was nothing more than a clerical error, Trevor quickly threw the money done. Completing the transaction he held the game in his hands for a single moment as if it was a priceless artifact before sprinting out of the store towards his car. As he ran into his house and turned on his game console he could only stare in pure ecstasy at the opening cinematic. He realized at that moment that it was unlikely that he would be at school the next few days either.

(Yeah crap ending is crap but ran out of space due to length.)


Last edited by Zafaron Uriuc on 10/21/2010, 12:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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Emo AFKer

Emo AFKer


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Age : 32
Location : Being a lazy d-bag.

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PostSubject: Re: Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved)   Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime10/9/2010, 8:44 pm

Despite my inexperience with being in a claustrophobic game store on the opening game of a highly anticipated game, you really convey the feelings of the characters and the setting and thus help the reader get into the minds of the people involved. I can really feel the emotions going through Trevor's head, as well as those of the other characters, from the anxiously waiting customers to the scurrying employees (btw, I liked the juxtaposition of those two groups). xD

The sentence structure works quite well, and I seriously did not find a glaring error of grammatical or syntax. Also I don't think your ending is crap. It serves its purpose well and wraps up the story nicely. If you want to see a crap ending, have a look at my sample. ^^

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Runic

Runic


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PostSubject: Re: Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved)   Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime10/11/2010, 2:33 am

Here to back Levi up is none other than myself.

I will agree with this assessment. Tier 1.

Though your initial paragraph was quite weak, this was an isolated episode. You handled details remarkably well so as to present them in a manner that adds to the experience without taking anything away. You also illustrated the world quite nicely, and the flow and structure of the sentences is pleasing.

There is a bit of a choppiness in a few areas that takes away from the quality you had established throughout the rest of the piece, but it is minor and most certainly not enough to bring the rest of the sample down by association. The most prominent example would be thus...

Quote :
"So how long have you been waiting?" Trevor turned his attention from the chaos inside to one of the adults next to him. He looked like he was in his early twenties and was wearing a Dungeons and Dragons shirt. He seemed to be a part of a group of people who had also staked out spots in line extremely early. Trevor had chatted with a few of them but hadn't spoken to this guy.

Awkwardly done, it feels, but nothing outrageous.
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PostSubject: Re: Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved)   Zafaron's Roleplay Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime

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