Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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» ALL MEMBERS- PLEASE READ
Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:23 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing again again
Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:05 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing Again
Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:04 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Naruto Rev
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Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime7/28/2011, 8:48 pm by Mistress of the House

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 Iado's Roleplay Sample

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Lee Sin

Lee Sin


Posts : 12
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Join date : 2010-10-07

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PostSubject: Iado's Roleplay Sample   Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime10/31/2010, 10:21 am

"Welcome to Paradise of Flavors, sir. Enjoy your stay here" said the porter with a casual smile drawn all over his mouth as he opened the left part of the antique wooden double door. Iado walked in and ignored the man as if he had not noticed him standing there.

The hall was brightly lighted, thanks to the many chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. They looked quite classic, as if they were productions from the previous century. An expensive red carpet was spread throughout the floor, almost completely covering it, apart from an area where a brief but wide stair sat, which lead upstairs, to the next floor.

Iado peered around searchingly, as if he was looking for something or someone. His gaze stood fixed at a man in formal white clothes, accompanied with men in black, probably his henchmen. The place was filled with people dressed in that manner, both women and men. After all, this place was only for those who wanted to eat without minding their pockets.

While he was not one of them, he resembled on of them. He wore formal clothes; a tuxedo jacket, pants and shirt and properly tied black necktie. Clean-shaven and his hair swept back, he walked towards an empty table that possessed sheets for only two persons. He gently slid back his chair, sat and brought it back to its previous position. Then he nodded his head to a nearby obese waiter wearing a formal orange shirt with yellow vertical stripes and black pants.

The waiter approached, smiled politely and asked him
"What would you order sir?"

"A meatshield..."

The moment he heard Iado's answer, confusion dominated his polite face. But before he could reply, Iado grabbed his shirt with his left hand and brought out his gun with his right hand, pointing his gun at the man in white, who was sitting a few yards away from him, opposite of his table.

A loud bam and blood flew out like stream from the man's head, who fel off his chair as a result of the gunshot's force. Screams of paniced sounded throughout the restaurant. All of them fled towards the exit, as they should. After that, the two henchmen reacted in a rather late response by drewing out their guns.

Iado shielded himself from their incoming gunshots by putting the waiter in front him. One gunshot and the waiter who earlier struggled to be freed by his grasp, stopped suddenly. As the barrage of gunshots bombarded the waiter's body, Iado ,at the same time, sprinted towards the one to his right and with incredible precision, he let a bullet that pierced his head and let his lifeless body drop on the floor. As for the last one, he decided to remove the extra weight and threw the meatshield towards the other henchman.

Although, he skillfully stepped aside, he, nonetheless, exposed himself to Iado's gun. A loud bang and the henchman lied on the waiter's corpse. Iado put his gun back to one of his jacket's pockets and stared the waiter. His body was full of holes with blood oozing out of them"Well, I could have used the table instead, but is is a damned waste of bullets, don't ya think?" he said and smirked slyly.




The target's assasination was complete, the mission was done. I am Iado Obara, an independent hitman.



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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Iado's Roleplay Sample   Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime11/1/2010, 1:34 am

Dio...

read the rules. Mundane Day. This usually means no action scenes which this is primarily composed of. Sorry, but I am going to have to request a redo. Having a gun fight is not a mundane day even for an assassination. The point is to test the writing skills of the members when they aren't doing fights because it gives a better chance to judge their skills.

That's all I can say, sorry. Redo, and I will give you a proper grade.
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Lee Sin

Lee Sin


Posts : 12
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Join date : 2010-10-07

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PostSubject: Re: Iado's Roleplay Sample   Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime11/1/2010, 6:47 am

Iado's occupation is that of an assassin. His daily life is consisted of such stuff.


But if it is really necessary to change it, then I will. Before that, could you at least evaluate my work?
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Iado's Roleplay Sample   Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime11/4/2010, 2:40 pm

Look Iado due to time restraints and how busy I am I can only give a small critique.

There are only a couple errors here and there but nothing major. I would say it is in the upper range of the tier 2.

The sequence of events is set up fine, everything makes sense and while you could weave the details into the story a little better it isn't that bad. Will give a longer critique when you make a new non-actiony one.
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PostSubject: Re: Iado's Roleplay Sample   Iado's Roleplay Sample Icon_minitime

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