Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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grimalldus




Posts : 2
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Join date : 2011-02-13

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PostSubject: my roleplay sample   my roleplay sample Icon_minitime2/13/2011, 4:08 pm

Rain

The condensation of the clouds at a higher altitude. It raises from the the ground in a vapor and forms that which blocks out the blue sky. The only why those seemingly cotton wool like pieces will leave is by the falling of the clear water bullets that wet the ground below.

Just another day at college, Colin thought. It was a Tuesday afternoon and for now he had time off, after just finishing Biomedical Devices. It was a bland subject at best, but the lecturer was keen on having everyone's head around the standards that were set down on the use of electrical equipment.

Looking up at the grey sky he would unhook his umbrella from his side. It was one of those automatic ones with a button that, when pressed, would cause the water resistant device to stretch out to shield Colin from the rain. As he walked to the Student Centre, affectionately known as the "Nexus", he began to memorize a timetable he and his friends had made. The time table was one that showed who was free at delegated times.

"Tuesday... One until two... Mark is off now"

He would say, thinking out loud, as he would then smiled gently. He knew Mark from a Society he was in, Known as the "Guild" society. It was a Society for gamers, be it trading card games, console games even roleplaying games such as Dungeon and Dragons. It was a sanctuary for all things nerdy.

Colin, himself was a member for 2 years now and was into everything in the Guild, but mainly played with trading card games. His attire was of a vintage type, he had a pair of jeans on with a rather nice shirt. To complement these he had brown boots and a grey wool overcoat. This is what he had to combat the elements that he knows all too well. Reaching the vintage looking building that was the Nexus, he would press the button from his umbrella, doing would cause the black fabrics to retract from its taut position. He then shook the device to remove any water from it before he would reduce the length of it, causing potential energy to be built up within its system.

The twenty year old student would then walk into the centre, seeing the usual lay out of the building. Student sprawled out everywhere there are benches, seats or even taking advantage of the stage area. Knowing Mark he would be at the restaurant. Hopefully he is there already and has a table. As he would look in the window, he smiled his trademark only sided smile.

The shoulder length hair, the glasses, the generic striped jumper (bleach and grey), and his always tired look.

Yep... He's there.

With that the would walk in, past the double doors and get a tray to be filled with food. Of what kind, may be asked?...

"Can I have A fillet of cod and some rice please?"

With a nod from the caterer, she would quickly serve up the food. It was easilly done. Almost like a programme within her system. Effortlessly the order was taken care of of less then 7 seconds. With that he would pay for the meal and then he would begin to walk over to Mark. Looking over to the window out side he saw a foe he had bested for a while and will face it again after his meal was finished.

the enemies name?

Rain

(I apologize for the length of it. I am not feeling the greatest and thus affecting my roleplay. I also delibrately didnt do any two character roleplay, simply for the fact that I rarely do more than my own characters. I hope these do not affect my ranking too much.)
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
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Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: my roleplay sample   my roleplay sample Icon_minitime2/16/2011, 7:24 pm

>.> I thought someone had already left comments on this. Must have been just my imagination.

Alright I feel that in general this sample could use a bit of an overhaul. While it has some decent bits it is hurt at certain points by grammar errors and some unusual sentence choices.

One of the first thing I notice is that it feels you are trying to hard to make the piece sound intelligent or make it more complicated. This is mostly with the scientific terms you pretty much shove into the piece at certain points.

"It was one of those automatic ones with a button that, when pressed,
would cause the water resistant device to stretch out to shield Colin
from the rain."


Feels awkward with all of the explanation about the "water resistant devices". "It was one of the automatic ones that opened with a touch of a button." would be all that is really necessary. The readers know what umbrellas are and how they work. By shoving all the extra facts and details it make the sentence an awkward read and actually hurts immersion into the story.

"His attire was of a vintage type, he had a pair of jeans on with a rather nice shirt."
I think you need to look up what vintage is. I am wearing that right now. That isn't vintage.

"doing would cause the black fabrics to retract from its taut position.
He then shook the device to remove any water from it before he would
reduce the length of it, causing potential energy to be built up within
its system."


Same as above, you do not need to explain to us about potential energy and how the black fibers retract from the taut position. They are unnecessary details that don't add anything to the sample because they do not further our understanding of the character, setting, or events. Would recommend removing some of those if you decide to redo the sample.

The second half of the sample also has a bit of an issue with changing the verb tense. You switch from saying that the events are completed to that "he would do [blank]" which gets confusing.

Final comment is that at certain points it seems like the statements would be said or thought by the character but there is no markings for it.
"Hopefully he is there already and has a table."
"Yep... He's there."


They aren't marked as being thoughts but they don't fit as well if they are just being spoken by the narrator. Also you really shouldn't just randomly address the audience with "Of what kind, may be asked?..."

Keeping all of this in mind I am giving this

Tier 3

This allows you to create any characters lieutenant level and below. If you wish to get a higher Tier you can either make another sample or edit this one. Sorry again though about the time it took to read this, I thought one of the other staff members had done so already.

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grimalldus




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Join date : 2011-02-13

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PostSubject: Re: my roleplay sample   my roleplay sample Icon_minitime2/17/2011, 2:46 am

I'll edit this one, but I'm a little snowed under in work at the moment so it may be a while before I can do so. I apologizes about the errors in it
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PostSubject: Re: my roleplay sample   my roleplay sample Icon_minitime

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