My RP sample, v. 1 (Approved)

Sitting in a dimly lit room the young man talked to his laptop. ”So yeah, once again, sorry I haven't been on much, I've just been so busy. I'll have more time starting next week. I love you”. A few seconds after finishing the sentence, Mark rammed his palm against his forehead. ”No, no, NO! It sounds too stupid! And I think I trailed off half way through! God damn it!”. He turned off the laptops webcam and watched the video, the 10th one in a row. He started off pretty well, but once he hit the middle of the video, his suspicions were confirmed. I did fucking trail off! For the love of Batman! Why can't I do this right?!.

After taking a few minutes to calm down, he turned the webcam back on, hoping he could get it right this time, though the thought of who he made the video for quickly lightened his mood and gave him a warm smile on his face. ”Hey Tanya, belated happy birthday. Sorry I haven't been on lately, my laptop crashed – twice – and after that I moved to another town. Cool to live alone,” ... finally... parents were driving me crazy ”but it takes a lot of time and effort to set everything up. I promise I'll make it up to you”. Tanya, his girlfriend, lived in a different country, which made his laptop even more important in order to keep in contact with her.

”So, how are you? Hope you had fun, and that you like my present. Of course I would've preferred being able to hand it over to you in person, but if I skipped school for a few days just to visit you, I know you'd have kicked my ass.” She always worries so much about that... even if my grades are good. Then again, that's part of her charm. Marks smile widened slightly as he pictured in his head how Tanya would react if he'd shown up on her doorstep on her birthday. He could already feel the quick hug before he'd end up on the ground from an elbow to the chest. And that's if she was in a good mood.

”I'm saving up so I can come visit this winter, if you don't have other plans. It'd be nice seeing you again... feels like forever since you were here. I know it's only been about 4 months, but it feels like so much longer. But I think I'd better end this video before I get too much off track. So yeah, once again, sorry I haven't been on much. We'll have a nice long talk soon. I love you Tanya.” He waved for a moment, then turned off the webcam. I don't think it'll get any better... unfortunately. He renamed the video “Happy Birthday Tanya” and sent it to her in an email. Oh FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CLUSTERFUCKED! I forgot to tell her that I got her present a few weeks ago! Ugh... sod it, I'll just thank her next time she's online...

I think this is a very strong sample in both in structure and context. The syntax is very polished and also varied, which is nice; it doesn't feel like I'm reading the same sentence over and over again. The conflict itself is rather simple, yet it is also significant to the character, and the sample does a rather good job at displaying this (see? everyday issues can be interesting if presented the right way).

There really aren't any negative aspects to point out. Overall, I think this deserves...

Tier 1