Sendo's rp sample (Approved)

Evan Colan had just re-entered his apartment after a short trip to the corner store. In the black bag he had in his free hand, he had some Cheetos, a couple of zebra cakes, a can of sports drink, and some grape cigarillos. He placed them beside him on his old beaten up couch propped almost a foot away from the television, which was a large screen and was sitting on its own stand, with small compartments on the left side of it, similar to cubbies, on the sides holding various things such as the cases of video games, DVDs, CDs, Cassettes, and an empty Funyuns bag. Within the opening on the bottom of the stand lay his XBOX 360. On top of his television was his DVD player.

He reached down and turned on his XBOX, not even bothering to check what was in there due to the fact that he only plays two of his games and he let his friend borrow his copy of Halo. Evan grasped his controller firmly in his hand as he focused his full attention into the dark screen. It was a few seconds before the title screen of his game showed up upon the screen. Spelled across the top of his screen were the words “MODERN WARFARE 2.” The letters were spelled in neon green with a dark green outline while the “2” was much larger than the text, behind the “RFAR” and outlined in orange with no color filling it against a gray background, a patch of orange in the bottom left-hand corner. Across the middle of the screen ran a band; the same color as the background which in the middle spelled the text, “Press Start Button”

The young man hunched over leaning towards the screen, as he maneuvered through the screens leading up to the online multiplayer mode without thought from doing it so many times until a screen that evoked heated emotion from him opened itself upon the screen. “Disc is unreadable.” Evan took his left hand from his controller as he used his index and middle fingers to rub his eyes under his eyelids. The slender body of the gamer leaned down towards the floor to reach for the button that would release his disc from its dark imprisonment. Once the tray had revealed itself and his Call of duty copy could be seen, he sprinted towards his bathroom, a maximum of about three feet away and instinctually grasped the bottle of rubbing alcohol from the shelf behind the mirror as reached towards the toilet tissue holder, attempting to locate the white sheets he would normally use to clean off his disc, though failing to do so; their presence being missing as he glanced over and the bare holder. ‘Crap. Now what am I supposed to do?” Evan took as pause, his hand propped under his chin as he had a habit of doing when in thought. “Lemme check if I have some paper towels in the kitchen,” Evan pondered as he rushed to his kitchen/dining room with alcohol bottle in hand. Sure enough, standing proudly on top of the refrigerator was the paper towel roll. He swiftly pulled down a roll, crumpled it in his fist and placed it up to the lip of the alcohol bottle; proceeding in turning the bottle upside down and then right-side up again.

Once he had applied the strong liquid to the paper cloth, he moved as though the rubbing alcohol was medicine and his game was dying slowly. Air escaped Evan’s lungs in a sigh as he carefully lifted the disc from the tray and wiped it, from center to edge taking his time and making sure to be delicate with the precious piece of metal. “Okay, let’s try this again.” With a gentle touch, Evan placed the disc back in its proper place. Plopping back down onto the couch, body leaned forward, and pushing the disc tray button and then the power button on his console, Evan geared himself for a heavy game of hardcore team death match. Unfortunately for Evan, he received yet another “disc is unreadable screen. The young man placed his hand to his face as the controller fell from his hand. “It’s all Evan. It’s all right,” the stressed teen repeated to himself. He simply repeated the process of applying the rubbing alcohol over the surface of the disc; however, once again, he received a message that signified he was making no progress at all. The gamer, who should have been well into his second online match, took the disc out of its tray, yet again. “I can see that I’ll have to pull out the heavy artillery on this one.” Evan marched into the bathroom as he pulled out his last resort… toothpaste.

When he’d first heard about the application of toothpaste onto a game disc to make it readable, but one day, when his copy of Mortal Kombat wasn’t responding to alcohol, he gave the fluoride paste a chance, surprised with the results. From that day on, whenever there was a problem with one of his games that he couldn’t solve, toothpaste would be his last resort. He entered his living room, hoping he would not need to leave it again for any reason except a bathroom break. He then created a ring around the disk with the toothpaste, wiping the disc in the same procedure as the former attempts of cleaning his scratched disc, the process taking much longer than the earlier attempts due to the thickness of the toothpaste.

After the passing of about 60 seconds, the disc was now clean of debris. “Evan was about to give this one last try. He turned his game system off, then on, and brought himself into his gaming stance preparing himself for a hectic warzone environment, only survivable using quick wits and fast reflexes. As he waited with anticipation grasping at him, his game reached the title screen. “Good. Very Good” He pressed the start button as instructed and reached the main menu. He reflexively went through the two screens leading to the online multiplayer screen. Never had his game stopped after this point. “Fuck, yes!” he screamed as he pumped his fist in the air and propelled himself into the world of Modern Warfare.

First of all, it seems rather bland to me. The sentences seem to follow one of two or three main formats each time. It's also not much of an ordinary day, by any stretch of the imagination. Not to mention, you said you were, and I quote you here, 'hearing sound'. I'd honestly suggest you redo this. It's bleck and...bleck. Lieutenant at best, more than likely below that.

i probably will

I know you said you will probably redo this but I think it is best I first put up my comments to help you with the next one.

As Kuro said one of the aspects that hurts this sample is that the sentences are all relatively the same. Especially in the beginning most of the sentences can be summarized as "he then did [blank]. Varying the sentence structure a little more alone would make the sample better.

Not only that but you seem focused more on "telling" rather than "showing." You just give us information about the characters and what he does but that is it. It is a series of "He does this then he does that then he does this." You as the narrator tell us what John does and don't allow the thoughts or actions of John himself to flesh out the world around him.

And the whole third paragraph honestly lost me. From the end of the third paragraph on I really wasn't sure what you were going for which makes it hard to critique. In your second attempt I would focus on making the events understandable for you and the reader.

For now I say second-tier but will wait for your redo before cementing that grade.

Okay. I have rewritten this. I hope to get at least tier two in the new system.

I am somewhat reluctant to tell you this, but I feel as though your current sample is, at the moment, sitting at a Tier 3 level of quality.

Your writing seems to suffer from a good deal of listing and, quite interestingly, overdescription. Your descriptions are unnecessarily long-winded and lack the creative flair that would make them otherwise compelling, leading them to do more harm than good.

Quote :

the television, which was a large screen and was sitting on its own stand, with small compartments on the left side of it, similar to cubbies, on the sides holding various things such as the cases of video games, DVDs, CDs, Cassettes, and an empty Funyuns bag. Within the opening on the bottom of the stand lay his XBOX 360. On top of his television was his DVD player.

Your descriptions, along the same vein, seem to be done all at once and in a rush as opposed to a gradual, more natural pace, making them stand out and greatly obstruct the story as a whole.

Quote :

Spelled across the top of his screen were the words “MODERN WARFARE 2.” The letters were spelled in neon green with a dark green outline while the “2” was much larger than the text, behind the “RFAR” and outlined in orange with no color filling it against a gray background, a patch of orange in the bottom left-hand corner. Across the middle of the screen ran a band; the same color as the background which in the middle spelled the text, “Press Start Button”

Not only is this information relatively unimportant (your story never really makes use of this and it doesn't add to the scene), but this, alone, takes up over half of the entire second paragraph. Conciseness, boyo, conciseness. When information that is not important to the story is added wisely, it provides a fine spice that can improve a dish, but to include too much is just as bad as, if not worse than, going completely without. I feel as though you attempted to overcompensate and ended up in the same place, different problem.


Not all is negative, though.

Quote :

he moved as though the rubbing alcohol was medicine and his game was dying slowly.

Such a phrase both explains the fervor of the character and does so in a roundabout manner. This strays away from the issues presented above, as does

Quote :

The gamer, who should have been well into his second online match, took the disc out of its tray

As you can see, "who should have been well into his second online match" is arbitrary information. It's not really important to the story -- it could very easily progress without it -- but it most definitely adds flavor to the character and implies a sense of frustration. It even strays away from the direct narration issue, as it is not the narrator that tells us he is frustrated, but it is instead implied so that the reader can discover it himself.

That is why I am placing you at this tier for now. An abundance of "fluff" and an issue with "listing" events. Like I said, I feel as though you attempted to compensate and came out with the opposite issue.

Tier 3