Spinryou's Rp Sample (Approved)

"So this is what we've been reduced to? A pack of WILD DOGS!!" Throwing his clipboard across the room General Quile stared into the eyes of his three military consultants. On the tile floors, no more then a few feet away from the three seated officers, the once whole clipboard lay forgotten as the pages that were once clipped to it were furiously snatched up and back into the hands of Quile. The three totally different individuals sitting no more then twenty or so feet away from him stared blindly in different directions. Quile's eyes forming slits as he focused on the three of them. Turning suddenly and taking what only seemed to be a single step Quile slammed the tearing pieces of paper onto the deck before them the sudden shock from his rising hostility shocking the three men back into focus.

"You want me to divide the last of my troops, and use one as a distraction for your 'elite' forces. Yeah James. Your 'elites' will win this war for us." Looking down at the ripped pages in his hand the gray haired erratic general cautiously read over what was left of this horrid plan. "Operation Blind Bat! Stupid name. Why are we Blind Bats? Answer me that someone."

Sitting up in his seat, clearing his throat, a second man casually leaned forward and braced himself against the table. Using his hand to swipe the sweat from his forehead, a very distinctive scar stretched across it. Chuckling slightly the tension in the room was instantly directed towards him.

"Blind Bats, Sir, were referred to as nocturnal hunters. Beings that hunt in the dark. We thought that with this operation, as it's at night, would prove most effective. As intelligence has gathered that the enemy has a hard time fighting due to lack of appropriate gear."

Leaning back the man lowered his voice. Not getting a read as General Quile had yet to even move; silence replacing the once lively office. Finally after several odd minutes of pure silence dragging on it would be James, Captain of the Ex-Dogs, who spoke up next. Rigid, and raspy his voice seem strained. Years of smoking had to be the most common explanation.

"As Captain Kirk pointed out the enemy is less functional during the night. It would be best for us to strike them when they can't even see ten feet in front of them. Combined with the 12th battalion, and my own 46th squad we could over take them while your 36th company draws their fire to the north of the enemy base. Meanwhile, the rest of our forces will attack and sandwich them from the east, west, and south."

Using Kirk's explanation as a tool to refresh the mind of General Quile. James looked to woo the General into compliance. Yet judging from his tapping foot, and odd smile James believed his words only brought fuel to the fire. This was after all a man whom commanded their forces for over three decades. The General of the United Empires Military Demolition Forces, or UEMDF for short. There wasn't a single time that his man hadn't brought victory to the Empire. Known for his instinctive distinctions in military actions, and fast acting counterattacks, it was this very man who made the Empire into what it is today. A global domination force. Yet still he was not without morals, goals, and limits. With old age came death, and death, in this time and age, wasn't worth a damn thing unless you did something with it. Even if his name would go down in history the General cared not about textbooks, and legends. His focus was the lives of the thousands of men and women within this base. Located in the most terrible of places even sleeping one had to be combat ready. One eye on the sky, and one on the ground. This wasn't the life he wanted his troops to learn. Each one had a home, a family, and a life outside of the military. Still, with the best military forces on the planet his so called "consultants" couldn't understand the value of human life. It would seem once again he had to teach them to understand.

"And.....what does.....the 36th company consist of James?"

Narrowing his eyes in frustration as the General seemed to once again disapprove of their plan. Rhodes, the current Captain of the Sky Devils, the strongest air force power in the world, stumbled to speak as his mouth babbled several e's, and o's. His speaking condition always the subject of laughter among the high ranks. "I..It..." Widening his eyes the Captain found himself faced to faced with his greatest military inspiration, and the Man we feared more then God himself. Hazel eyes pierced right into the deepest, darkest depths of his core being. Captain James had no choose but to reluctantly exhaled out of sheer fear, and cowardice. He knew it wasn't a question. More of a statement. The 36th company was full of 'Wet Willies', or New Blood. The youngest of their forces with almost zero battle experience. Fresh meat sent to add to the eight hundred and fifty thousand soldiers they had stationed in the Middle East. The Captain knew the casualties would be grave but these men, and women knew their jobs, and would die with honor for their Empire. But the one to speak first would be the one to die. At least it was Rhodes. He should be glad. In the Empire being too old was like spitting on the Emperor's doorknob. You just don't do it.

The character was good, but I felt let down by the spelling and grammar mistakes here. Unfortunately, I felt as if I was dealing more with chinese food than a real sandwich: Lot of food/words but left unsatisfied at the end. I'd say borderline between Lieutenant and lower.

As Kuro's personal Tape Recorder of Rape, I feel it is my duty to pull out an old favorite of mine from Kuro's Greatest Burninations to describe the update.

"It's alphabet soup, without the necessary letters. You took the q's, x's, and v's and tried to make words out of them. But all you did was leave us wondering when the fuck you started speaking idiot."

Basically, all the same problems that Kuro mentioned are still there. There isn't enough meat to the story, and the characters aren't developed properly it seems. It's trying to be flashy instead of being high quality, or at least that's what it looks like to me. I suggest you give it another go, and this time add more meat to the bones of the sample.

Of course, not being a moderator it is not my decision to make, I am merely stating my opinion.

Editted. Good Luck self!

Hmm... I like the characters involved in the story, as well as the plot itself. I have to admit, it was an interesting twist with having a military leaders doing their job, albeit a significant one that is out of the ordinary, and I can understand the thoughts and reasoning that the characters have for their actions.

But I still have qualms with the grammar and syntax issues. As Zafa has said, they really do halt the flow of the narrative, and I have to agree with him. This is something that will have to be improved upon. Thus, I feel this sample is Lieutenant-level.

SECOND TIER

While I can enjoy your piece to an extent -- it does feel natural and has its own warmth -- the biggest issue I'm having has to deal with clarity. The structure in which you arrange your words often leaves it difficult to understand what you are speaking of unless effort is put into it.

Quote :

As if no time had pasted sense James seemingly failed to convince the general Quile turned around to them with a cocky, and unsettling smile.

There's a few grammatical hiccups, but I am impressed with the readability of this work as compared to your old, Ranryou -- it is a definite improvement.

That is why I will place you in

Third Tier