Hezro's RP Sample (Approved)

Like most days, Mark was late to class. The halls were already silent and none of the teachers were out in the halls. This was probably the only break he had today and wasn't going to waste it walking slowly. Normally he would be going to first period on the first floor of the building, but that was before one missed bus five miles away. It was now either third or fourth period, he didn't bother figuring out which. He was praying it was fourth, simply because it was closest. Third was two more flight of stairs and he just simply didn't want to go there. The squeaking of his shoes could very well be heard from the classrooms but he didn't stop to check. It had been raining outside and he was still soaked from it. "Maybe I should bring an umbrella next time" He thought to himself. He then reached the door to fourth period, biology. All he saw through the window was darkness, It was third period. He put his back to the door and collapsed. "Perfect" He said to himself.

He waited for a few minutes, letting the rain dries on his clothes. He hated the rain after all. If the bus driver didn't hate him than none of this would have happened. "Guess it doesn't help if you spray the guy with coffee" He said to himself. Atleast it had gotten a few laughs later that day. He then wondered how much work he had missed and sighed. He knew he was going to be in alot of trouble becasue of it.He decided to get up and head towards the only safe place for a 16 year old late for class, the bathroom.He was glad that it wasso close to class, only a few feet. It would mean he could easily slip in once the bell rang. He also knew hardly anyone came in here, he had used the bathroom more than once when he was skipping class. He walked in confident he could spend an hour here before heading to class. He then sat on the floor opposite of the stalls and waited.

He then pulled out a magazine from his half broken backpack. He focused on the car magazine infront of him. He shrugged off the fact that he could be doing fourth periods homework. He would just copy off his "smart" friend. He lost track of time while reading the articles on a new exhaust system, the images of was supposed to be "The most ingenuous sports car on the market", and the comparisons of new names trying to make legends like the Porsche 911 look like an out of date muscle cars. His heart sank as he heard plastic wheels against the tile floor heading towards him. The janitor was coming. Mark swore under his breath for his bad luck. He had a run in with this janitor before, a seemingly nice old lady who always smiled at you. He hated her for catching him wondering the halls last month. It also got to him how nice she was but ruthless she was when it came to skipping. She had even called the assistent principle on him. He wasn't going to get caught this time though.

He quickly shoved the magazine back into his backpack and headed into one stall, pretending to use one. He knew he couldn't stay long, the old woman usually waiting until the place was empty to start cleaning. He was thinking hard about where to go, if he looked in the least bit skeptical of where he was going then the woman would ask him for a hall pass. He would have to find an empty classroom or something, anything to get her off his back. Then it came to him and he smiled. He opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom and smiled at the lady, trying to give nothing away. At once she suspected him, apparently she had remembered him. "Where are you going young man?" she asked in a simple seemingly sweet tone. Mark could hear the hint of annoyance in her voice. He was still smiling from his cleverness and casually said " Oh I am going to the office, I was called from class and decided to stop to use the bathroom." . He thought he sounded convincing enough, hopefully she wouldn't think otherwise. "Alright dear." were the only words the old lady said before she descended into the bathroom, leaving him alone in the hall. He sighed with relief in his head. He then put his hands in his pockets and headed towards the office. He figured he would walk up and down the stairs after all. "Figures" was all he said to the thought of it. Then all at once the bell rang and the countless students filled the halls with him. He laughed a little bit. "Guess my luck is turning after all." He said to himself and turned around heading towards the door to fourth period. He walked over to his chair and relaxed abit before class started. He forgot about the homework.

Alright, read through this a couple times.

And I feel that it is a very strong sample. It isn't too short or too long and put together very well. The sentences flow together very well and I feel that you have done well in building an actual world rather than just a series of events. Information about the character and his school is woven into the narrative well and I like the janitor. Past experience?

There are a couple grammatical errors but they don't hurt the sample.

I rate this

Tier 1

All of the races are available for you. Now go ahead and make your character(s).

I am overriding Zafaron in this case.

I apologize, Hezro, but this roleplay sample is currently not up to standards of the first tier, the most glaring reason being that you have a good deal of choppiness and sentence flow obstruction.

I also feel dissynergy between the character and the world he is in, quite possibly due to the issues stated above. It's more along the lines of statements delivered to us by the narrator as opposed to a natural relationship orchestrated by the world itself. It's presented in a forced and artificial manner.

With that in mind, I rate you thus :

Tier 2


A few minor grammatical issues are also present through the piece, though not enough to be outrageous. I would still recommend you read over your pieces.

im not sure what to do honestly, your summary and zaf's are pretty much polar opposites.

I really don't see anything you have stated above (exccept grammar). I don't even know what "dissynergy" is. I do however agree its presented in a forced manner. I don't enjoy writing Rp samples, thus it does reflect that "get it done" attitude you have associated it with. also trying to fit it into the 1k max probably doesn't help either.

with that being said, what do you propose I do? If anything, could I get a third person to review it? simply because of my first statement.

You wanted a third person, here I am. I agree whole-heartedly with Deki Nut. I feel as if Zafaron built this up to be some marvel of roleplaying, which it isn't. I find it choppy and drab as well. You failed, in my eyes, at being a story-teller. You didn't let the reader find a story, or even figure out anything about the character. It was forced in every way, shape, and form.

Tier Two is my vote for it.

ok i fixed it up abit, I tried making it less choppy and less forced. not really sure what u mean by choppy though so i changed what i thought might be the problem.