Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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» ALL MEMBERS- PLEASE READ
Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:23 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing again again
Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:05 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing Again
Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:04 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Naruto Rev
Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime8/15/2011, 11:33 pm by Tartarax

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Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime8/2/2011, 2:57 am by Guest

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Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime7/30/2011, 4:31 pm by Zafaron Uriuc

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Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime7/28/2011, 8:48 pm by Mistress of the House

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 Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved)

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Naraga Zenos

Naraga Zenos


Posts : 24
Points : 13
Join date : 2010-10-05

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PostSubject: Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved)   Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/18/2010, 5:58 am

Jason sat on the bus in silence, staring out the window. It was Friday, but no ordinary Friday, today was the big game against Horizon High School, and even better Jason was, through extreme physical traing as he liked to call it, the starting halfback of the Paradise Valley Trojans Varsity Football Team. Jason was a Junior and, unlike a lot of people who were either cool, athletic, or geeks, he was an athletic geek. He had spent 17 years of his life misunderstood where all he wanted was to be accepted. Jason saw tonight's game as his big chance to show people what he's made of.

Unfortunately for Jason, he had to get through 6 hours of school first. However, during his first block class, his science teacher was extremely lenient on homework, classwork, and even the test which she postponed until Monday. Jason's next block was English, his best liked and least liked class. Jason liked to write; he liked coming up with fictional ideas that allowed him to immurse himself in and forget about worries in reality. Sadly, the rest of the class wasn't as enthusiastic about literature. They constantly tried to anger and annoy the teacher Mr. Walker, who was normally very strict. Strange as is may seem, Jason liked Mr. Walker being strict it allowed him to think clearly but despite his constant shooshing, Mr. Walker was never able to calm the class, but today the class wasn't trying to upset the teacher. In fact they were talking to him about the football game and the players. Jason heard his name but didn't react. He didn't want to look arrogant. The rest of his day went by much like the start. At lunch he hung out with the football team and some of his other "non-athletic" friends. His math teacher was absent and Jason's substitute had a mustache like the Monopoly Man. Once again, the class' test was postponed until next Tuesday and the class talked, drew on the whiteboards and screwed around for the entire block. Finally, Jason went to his Comp. Tech. class he had for his fifth block and the teacher gave the class the entire day for freetime.

As soon as the bell rang for the end of school, Jason kicked the door open and sprinted all the way across the school into the Varsity locker room. As, Jason got ready to do his pregame warm-ups, some of his teammates and coaches walked in to see who was there. When the game finally started, Jason looked into the crowd to see how big it was. The crowd's size was monstrous and the sound that emanated from them was like a stampede of the largest animals in the world. Jason waited until the end of the national anthem before racing on to the field in a flurry of excitement. After what seemed like hours of waiting the Huskies kicked the ball off. Jason watched the ball straight into his hands and as soon as contact was made with the ball, he took off running down the field like he was being chased by the devil. Thanks to his small size and speed, as well as how hard to tackle he was, Jason was able to return the ball to the Trojans 46 yard line. All of the day's activities had built up an uncontrollable suspence in Jason, and on the first play of the game Jason let that suspence drive him 54 yards, straight into the end zone, breaking 3 tackles as he went and getting 6 points for his team. It was that play in the game that people looked at him with awe and wondered who he was; and Jason laughed. The game went unbelieveably well. The ending score was 35 to 3 Trojans with Jason getting 115 rushing yards and 45 passing yards and scoring 3 of the 5 touchdowns. As Jason walked off the field, incredibly pleased with himself, he smiled and whispered under his breath: Thank God for Football. He laughed and jogged off to the locker room half wishing that he didn't get the weekend off.


Last edited by Naraga Zenos on 11/3/2010, 9:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved)   Naraga's RP Sample (DONE) (Approved) Icon_minitime11/3/2010, 4:47 am

It nearly fell down to third due to various frustrating grammar errors and some weird syntax at certain points but managed to barely hold itself at

Tier 2

This was a difficult one to decide on and when I give the full critique I hope you follow all the suggestions because this was indeed borderline. Don't want to have to drop you later.

And honestly I doubt anyone cares about a reference to god. -.-

My avatar has God Emperor, Shinigamis are death gods. Its not that big a deal for people reading. If you yourself have an issue with it yourself then that is fine but you don't need to add an apology or anything like that.

Full critique will come when I ain't busy.
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