Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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 Tetsu's RP Sample (Approved)

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Tetsu Kurogane

Tetsu Kurogane


Posts : 31
Points : 19
Join date : 2010-11-01

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PostSubject: Tetsu's RP Sample (Approved)   Tetsu's RP Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime11/1/2010, 6:35 pm

Tetsu awoke on a saturday morning just as the sun began to rise. He was wearing his gym shorts. He had gotten back late from training and didn't bother to get undressed. After a few moments of laying in bed, Tetsu finally sat up and got out of bed. "I... wonder what's for breakfast," said Tetsu with a small yawn in the beginning.

He got out of bed and got dressed into his black skinny jeans and his usual stripped shirt. He tousled his black, mid length hair and then rubbed more sleep from his eyes. He finally got on a pair of small, black socks before heading downstairs.

Before reaching the bottom step, Tetsu could smell the bacon and eggs his grandmother was making. "Hey grandma," he said as he reached the kitchen and pecked her on the cheek.

"Good morning Tetsu. Breakfast?" she said. Tetsu grabbed himself a glass of orange juice and said, "yes please." She got him a plate and spooned some breakfast into his plate. She soon joined him and she quizzed him on what he had learned yesterday during their homeschool lessons.

After breakfast, Tetsu left the house and went out to his parents gravestones in the backyard. They weren't buried there, but it was there as a reminder. Tetsu knelt down at the gravestone and stared at a picture of them. "Good morning mom, dad. I hope your doing good. I have been keeping up my studies and my training." Tetsu smiled at his parent's faces and then stood up. "I'll see you later," he said before he went off into town.

Tetsu spent a few hours browsing the stores in town. He picked up some drinks, some watermelon, and a few other things they needed back at the house. Tetsu had wandered around till noon before he decided to head back home.

On his way home, Tetsu spotted some kids playing down at the park. He stopped and sat on the hill for a bit, watching the kids play. Tetsu sighed as he remembered when his mom used to push him on the swings and his dad would slide down the slide with him. Tetsu only ever had some friends when he was little. However, he had become homeschooled and so he lost his friends.

After watching the kids for half an hour, Tetsu got up and headed back home. His grandmother seemed to be out. She was probably going to pick up her medicine. Tetsu put up the groceries and then headed for the living room. They didn't have a television, so he sat on the couch and glanced around at the pictures and weapons hanging on the walls.

Tetsu sat there for awhile in the quiet. It had been very quiet since his parents were murdered. He finally decided to go outside when it was half past one. Tetsu headed toward the river and decided to watch the wild life in the Karakura River. He got up on the railing of the bridge and sat there, watching the fish down below. Occasionally he would see a few frogs, snakes, and even a few other fresh water animals. It was a perfect day.
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Tetsu's RP Sample (Approved)   Tetsu's RP Sample (Approved) Icon_minitime11/3/2010, 4:51 am

*clicks tongue*

Another toughy to grade but it squeaks by due to coherence. I understand everything that happened but the sentence structure got boring REALLY quickly.

He did this. He did that. Tetsu did this. Tetsu got up. Tetsu sat there. Tetsu sighed. Variation of how the sentences are put together and how they are written goes a long way in making the reader more engaged with the writing.

In the end it is at the lower end of the

Tier 2

spectrum, but I think with a longer critique I can help that out. That will come later though. Make your character.
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