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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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The Boss

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PostSubject: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/23/2010, 5:53 pm

name: Zeno Hiraken

Age: 405 years old

Visual Age: 35 years old

Years in Soul Society: 265

Years Since Banishment: 115

Gender: Male

Former Division: 11th

Former Shinigami Rank: Captain-level Lieutenant

Rank: 1st High Elite

Appearance: http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs47/i/2009/363/c/b/Commission__Sayis_by_lires.jpg

Personality:

Overall, Zeno has a calm and focused personality. He’s always concentrated in the things he does. He’s an intelligent guy. Because of his past, he no longer feels emotions of pain, sorrow, despair or fear. He always remains calm, no matter how bad the situation gets. Because he knows exactly what he’s doing. Zeno is a minimalist. Someone who does what he has to do perfectly, no more, no less. All of this makes people feel safe around him, they can trust him without a doubt.

Leadership:

Zeno needs to know who his subordinates are. Not just their names, but who they really are. Their personalities, how they react in certain situations, what they can or cannot do. In order to know all his subordinates, he tests them in a very subtle way. For example; he goes for a walk with a subordinate and starts being a complete asshole. This is a very effective way to test the personalities of people. Some bite the pain and keep showing respect, others freak out and insult him. Of course he apologizes in the end so they wouldn’t think the wrong things about him. To test their powers and skills he simply organizes tournaments for his subordinates and lets them fight each other in order to gain a higher seat.
This way he knows exactly who is qualified for certain missions. How to act or how not to act towards someone and especially what to do to get something done from a subordinate.
In difficult times he doesn’t change a bit. He remains friendly, calm and focused. Because of this his subordinates remain highly motivated. When there is a war he does everything he can to protect his subordinates but also expects them to be able to take care of themselves and others perfectly.
Zeno is a respected leader who can be reckoned on. His subordinates know this better than anyone else.


Inner Hollow Personality: Zeno’s Inner Hollow has the exact same character as he has. Calm, without any emotions. Unlike Zeno he doesn’t even have emotions of happiness, friendliness or care. No emotions whatsoever. Instead of fighting for dominance, Zeno and his Inner Hollow play a game of chess. The winner gains dominance.


Inner Hollow Appearance: A very tall man with very long arms, legs and fingers. He wears a black cape and a blindfold. He also wears a white suit with a black tie, pointed black leather shoes and black leather gloves. He carries his Zanpaktõ on his back and underneath his cape.

Fighting Style: Controlled, holding back for as long as he can. He keeps fighting with his Sealed Zanpaktõ for as long as he can. If he needs to use Shikai he will also keep fighting with it for as long as possible. He prefers not to use Bankai when it’s not needed. He never lets a chance slip away to strike.

Background:

Human life.

Zeno was born in Okinawa at the very beginning of the 17th century. He was the son of a Japanese warlord. A samurai. In comparison to other samurai his father welcomed the Portugese, Spanish and British travelers who came to Japan to trade. A British writer was interested in the samurai. So Zeno’s insisted that the man stayed with them for a while until he had finished his book. The man taught Zeno everything he knew, English, Math, Art, etc… Meanwhile Zeno was educated in the ways of the samurai.
When Zeno became 15 years old, the man had finished his book and left to have it published. About a year later, Zeno learned that the man had been killed while traveling to England by Japanese pirates. This made him furious and very sad. The old man had been like a second father to him.
In his anger, he became more fanatic in his samurai training and he became the pride of the family. About three years later, he was one of the best samurai of Okinawa. Though the samurai were slowly disappearing, there were still wars between the lords of the provinces. 6 years later another lord declared war with Zeno’s father and not much later his sister was kidnapped. The kidnappers were ninja. Hired by the enemy. They asked for his father’s surrender. If he did not, they would kill her. His father didn’t. He said that this war was for his land, which was far greater than he or his family was. A month later Zeno found her head next to his bed. His family was destroyed. His father was going insane and his mother had a mental breakdown. Zeno himself was filled with chaos and mixed feelings. He didn’t know what to feel or what to do. Two months passed and his mother disappeared. After a week they found her headless body in one of the bathrooms. Another three months later, on his 25th birthday, the nightmare came to an end. His father was losing the war, went crazy and died in the middle of the battlefield. Zeno had to replace his father and commanded the army. But the battle was already lost. The enemy was already breaching through the gate and walls. Zeno ordered all warriors to the gate so they could die and honorable death. And so they did. Hours passed until Zeno was the last man standing. The castle was already set on fire but he continued fighting until 6 katanas pierced his body at the same time. He died.


Before Konso.

Zeno dwelled around on the battlefield as a spirit. The battlefield he had left by dying as a human was nothing compared to the battlefield he found himself in now. Monsters with strange masks were eating the souls of the killed samurai. There were also warriors in kimonos fighting the monsters. He thought that the bravest samurai had become the warriors he saw before him and that the weaklings were here to be eaten by the monsters. He looked at his clothes and found himself in that position. Suddenly, a hand grabbed his face and it all went black for a few seconds. One of the warriors stood before him. The warrior noticed Zeno was looking very confused and explained what was going on. After Zeno knew what Shinigami and Hollows where, he learned about the Chain of Fate. Since he had a strong spiritual power, his Chain of Fate was corroding slowly. The Shinigami then did Konso on Zeno in order to send him to Soul Society.


In Rukongai.

After the Soul Burial, Zeno entered Soul Society in a new family. His family was the complete opposite of the former family he had. This new family was huge: 8 kids, 2 parents. He was supposed to be the father and a lady he’d never seen before was the mother. The family was also very poor. Though that was not the only thing that was different. Inside it felt as if he had left all his negative feelings behind. He only felt inner peace. After a year he learned that there was a possibility to become Shinigami. By entering the Academy and mastering something called a Zanpakutõ. The swords Shinigami use to fight Hollows and reap souls. Zeno didn’t hesitate. The Shinigami who had sent him here told him he had an enormous spiritual power, so he took his chance and entered the Academy.


In Seireitei.

After 34 years of intensive training he mastered Shikai and learned the name of his Zanpaktõ. He was now allowed to enter the Gotei 13 and joined the 11th Division as a third seat. Years passed. He fought countless Hollows, reaped countless souls and sparred countless times with his lieutenant and captain. He had been in Soul Society for 130 years now. One day his Captain, Zafaron Uriuc, took him to a cave somewhere in the Far Reaches. He trained there with Zeno until Zeno finally succeeded in manifesting his Zanpaktõ outside his body. His captain told him to stay there and not come back until he defeated his Zanpaktõ. The lieutenant brought him food and water four times a day and left immediately. After four days of intensive fighting Zeno succeeded in defeating his Zanpaktõ. He waited for the lieutenant to arrive and challenged him to a fight. Zeno won without breaking a sweat after releasing his bankai. Though he had beat up his friend pretty bad.
When they returned to Seireitei the lieutenant was taken care of by the Healing squad.
Even though he was Captain level now, Zafaron was still a bit stronger than him.
So he simply switched places with the Lieutenant.

His first job as a Second seat was to destroy a nest of Hollows near Shanghai. He took some subordinates with him. When they arrived at the nest they saw that there were hundreds of Hollows ruled by a powerful Adjucha. His subordinates took care of the weaker Hollows and he took on the Adjucha. He wanted to end this fight quickly. He released Bankai rather soon in the fight. Though he didn’t really control it that good yet. The Adjucha somehow managed to survive longer than Zeno had expected and soon it went wrong. Zeno was starting to lose control over his Bankai, his body couldn’t handle the power. Before he could land the finishing blow his Bankai seemed to explode and returned to Shikai. Luckily his Shikai still had enough power to finish the Adjucha and help his subordinates kill the remaining Hollows. That was the last time he used Bankai as a lieutenant. So he trained his Shikai and perfected it in another 20 years.

80 years passed. He had become a reliable and powerful second seat. Because of this, he was given a very dangerous mission. Zeno that had to go to Hueco Mundo to investigate an unknown source of incredible power. He traveled to the Dead Plains. Somewhere far away from Las Noches a Vasto Lorde was born. That Vasto Lorde was the immense power Seireitei had felt.
The Vasto Lorde immediately attacked Zeno at sight. This was the hardest battle he had ever fought. Zeno was forced to use Bankai to fight equally with this monster. Though he felt that he was losing control again. 3 hours passed and he was finally able to kill the Vasto Lorde with a powerful attack that cost him all his energy. So by doing this, his last remains of energy faded away. And he died along with the monster.


After Hollowfication.

Zeno woke up. He lay at the foot of a mountain covered in dirt. A mysterious man was sitting next to him. As soon as he saw that Zeno was awake he started talking. He explained that he had followed Zeno when he appeared in the Dead Plains. He had guessed that Zeno was going to die during the fight, but he hoped he was at least able to kill the Vasto Lorde. The man continued and said that he had saved Zeno through Hollowfication. And that he was now able to control his Bankai with his new powers. This also meant that he couldn’t return to Seireitei because he possessed forbidden powers. Before the man disappeared he said that Zeno could find his new home somewhere on this mountain.
Zeno climbed the mountain and found and entrance after 36 hours. There he entered the clan of Vizards he never knew existed. Slowly he started integrating within the clan. After 100 years he eventually became the 1st High Elite Vizard. Within these 100 years there was apparently a war between Shinigami and creatures called Arrancars. The Arrancars were the counterparts of Vizards. A couple of Vizards fought in the war. though Zeno didn't want his former subordinates to know he was still alive. He has been ruling the clan for 15 years now.





Last edited by The Boss on 6/9/2011, 9:34 am; edited 6 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/24/2010, 5:31 am

First off, I feel that the age should be changed a little. Because when you look at your age that means that in 100 years you became a captain. Seems way too fast for my liking. Points at being a crazy prodigy.

Would like a paragraph on leadership for the personality.

A little of your personality crept into your hollow's appearance. Also, you said it is the same as your zanpakuto but could you be more specific of that so I don't have to constantly go back to your zan to find out what your hollow looks like.

Fighting Style: "Though he tries to combine everything with speed, agility and accuracy most of the time."

I starts off with just the word combinations which alone is confusing. Do you mean like he uses combos, several attacks in a row? Does he combine a cero and a zan attack? Just saying Combinations doesn't explain much. And when you say he "combines everything with speed, agility, and accuracy". I honestly don't think you can say he is combining that with something. Speed and accuracy are attributes of attacks itself. You can't really combine an attack with accuracy. It may be just something I am nit-picking but I noticed it since you started out with combinations.

And now we reach a dead stop when it comes to the backstory.

You father is a shinigami captain. So this means one of two things. When you say that his father wasn't around that means he died and became a Soul reaper captain in 5 years. The other is that as a Soul Reaper his father was able to have sex with the human mother. Yes it happened with Ichigo, but we still have no understanding of how that happens.

Second off, you kind of forgot the whole konso part of entering the Rukongai. You don't just close your eyes and appear in the Rukongai, got to have Konso performed.

Arrancars were only created 70 years ago during which your character was exiled so one couldn't possibly kill your father. Also the fact that your captain shinigami father was killed by a single Arrancar is kinda lame after we saw that most of the captains can roflstomp arrancars unless they are of the highest level.

"Zeno grew a lot within a few years, physically, mentally and his powers too." The wording at the end needs help.



When he got out of the forest and returned to the Soul Society, he showed off his Shikai and amazed everyone.
He became Captain of the 11th Division.


Wait. Wait what? Are these supposed to be connected? He gains his shikai and instantly becomes captain of 11th? First off there might be a slight problem with years due to the fact that Zafaron was probably 11th Captain back then. But really, you have nothing about how he becomes captain except for one line saying he becomes captain. I mean a large portion of time you need bankai to reach captain or have 6 captains nominate you. Just gaining shikai does not mean suddenly you become captain.



And, obviously, after a long, epic fight his best friend was killed.
Wow, so even you admit that this was totally unsurprising that his best friend was killed? And again, that arrancar couldn't exist because they didn't exist yet.

After finding Akuma in the middle of the Labyrinth. Zeno had a discussion with him, and they started a fight.
In the end, Zeno had been beaten by Akuma. He was sent back to the real world after making a deal with his Zanpaktõ.
If he could kill the Arrancar, Akuma would teach him Bankai.


Why is his zanpakuto fighting him in the first place? I see no understandable reason of why he would do so. Don't they have better things to do? Join their powers to kill it? This makes little sense. And technically you aren't taught Bankai, you gain it after defeating your zan when you can manifest it outside of your body. If you win you gain the ability to use Bankai.

Stuff with Vizard Maker fits. Technically you weren't banished but just wouldn't be able to return due to gaining hollow powers. Shinigami didn't know that Vizards existed at this point and the Vizard Maker wanted to keep things that way.

You also don't have any mention about what you or the Vizards in general did during the Shinigami/Espada War. And you didn't make the society, you just eventually became leader. It has been around for longer then 100 years.

So yeah, this profile needs a lot of work. Some things are because you don't know enough about the races (my fault) but other things you really need to fix.

You also should reread the Forum Rules because you are missing something important.
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The Boss

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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/24/2010, 7:45 am

You know, after reading your comments and taking another look at my application,
I started laughing.
Sorry that I've wasted your time with this, I'm gonna edit everything.
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/26/2010, 3:05 pm

EDITED
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Zafaron Uriuc
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/26/2010, 4:35 pm

Elaborate way of dying but w/e, people like that and it doesn't really harm anything, I just like pointing it out. 6 KATANAS STABBED HIM AT ONCE!

Just make the strange man a regular shinigami.

The strange man shouldn't have given him a mission. Just have the Seiretei do that. You can then explain that when you didn't return they assumed that you had died. If you are trying to make the strange man the Vizard Maker then he wouldn't be able to get neear you to give you a mission in the first place. Seiretei is one of the places he never goes near. And anyway, during that time, the Seiretei still had an open Garganta to Hueco Mundo they used to patrol it. (This was before the Shinigami lost control of Hueco Mundo during World War 2).


"That Vasto Lorde was the power the lieutenant of the Second Division had felt. "

Don't know why this is in there.

So the Vasto Lorde is your dad? So he ate hollows, became a menos, continued to evolve and eventually became a vasto lorde but still looked similar enough to his original form that he could tell it was his dad?

I mean I guess it isn't broken but it just feels SO CLICHE. I don't feel there is really any reason for it. Honestly the entire thing with your father could be taken out and I feel that not much would have been changed.

Don't need to have the Vizard Maker explain that he knew the vasto lorde was zeno's father. Just having him say that he saved Zeno's life through hollowification when he felt the battle occurring or something. Actually it would make sense that he was nearby anyway but for reasons you don't know.
Twisted Evil

And a few of the vizards did actually fight in the Shinigami/Arrancar battle since the Arrancar ended up blowing several cities to cinders and had a huge clash in Karakura town. So you should edit it that Zeno just didn't want to join the battle or something.
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/26/2010, 4:55 pm

- Well he was surrounded when he got stabbed... 6 times at once... lol

- "That Vasto Lorde was the power the lieutenant of the Second Division had felt. " the background used to be different, but I changed it in the end. I forget to edit this line.

- I agree on the cliche part...

- EDITED
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime10/30/2010, 3:30 pm

Alright, everything is

APPROVED

Zan and mask now. Sorry again for the wait.
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PostSubject: Re: Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved)   Zeno Hiraken ( The right one ) (Approved) Icon_minitime

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