Zeno Hiraken's RP Sample (Approved)

Zeno didn’t like this, he didn’t like this at all. The target should’ve been here right now. Not a second earlier, not a second later. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case. The streets were crowded, but there wasn’t much traffic at all. There were only a few cars further down the street and three cars behind him. A white Volvo, a green Saab and an blue, old, rusty VW with an as old and rusty old man behind the wheel. He couldn’t see the cars on the left or right side of the intersection in front of him until they turned around the corner. Zeno himself drove a black Mercedes-Benz Sprinter with dark windows, so nobody outside the car could see who’s inside. Two minutes… The target was two whole minutes too late… His forehead started to sweat, his blue eyes shifted from one side of the street to the other trying to figure out if something was wrong. He drove further down the street until he had to stop in front of a red light. He held on tight to the steering wheel, biting his lower lip. Small drops of sweat fell down from his black, spiky hair onto his brown leather vest. Where the hell was it? At that moment an armored van came around the corner and drove into a nearby alley. Even though there were so many people around, everyone seemed to avoid that area. Zeno relaxed, the target had arrived. Too late, but it had arrived.

“Don’t stress yourself that much Whelp. Stay focused. We got this.” Pyro said. They called Zeno Whelp because he was new. It was his codename. Pyro was the codename of John Arrow. He was one of the three other men who sat in the of the Mercedes-Benz. Pyro was 24 years old. He was a tall, handsome guy. Not the kind of guy who looked like a criminal. Though he had been in the business since he was ten years old. He had short, dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. A small mustache, and always had a self-confident smile on his face. His manly chin and muscular body made him look like a real macho. But the kind of macho women love. Zeno envied Pyro because, in comparison to him, Pyro never woke up alone and if he wasn’t in the shower, a female friend of him filled the empty space. When it came to romance, Pyro was as professional as he was an explosive-expert. That’s the reason why he’s on the team. For years he made sure all evidence was destroyed after a cleared job by a nice and beautiful explosion.
One of the two men in the back was Hawk. A shooting and gun expert. He’d been delivering quality weapons and advice to professional criminals since he was only 16 years old. He was the guy everyone within the business loved. His real name was Brian McLane. He was 27 years old. Hawk was about as tall as Pyro, though not as muscular. Hawk had medium, black hair that covered his eyebrows. He had green eyes, but most of the time they were covered by black sunglasses. He was the cool guy of the team. The one who designed the plans, backup plans and even the improvised ones. He was always packing heat, and cigarettes. On a good day, he needed one every two hours. On a bad day, he needed six every hour.

Next to Hawk there was Mint. The nerd of the crew. A computer expert who provided all the information needed and sold it for a high price. Unless he was working with this team. His blond, curly hair made his head look like a mushroom. And his glasses didn’t make him any prettier. Though Mint was the most valuable member of the team. Without his data, they couldn’t do a thing. They called him Mint because he always drank mint tea. He looked about 16 years old even though he was about 22. His real name was Robert Grey.

Zeno himself was only a bit taller than Mint who was 5.24 feet tall. This was his first job. He had to prove himself now.
It was Pyro who convinced him to join them. Zeno had been in High School with Pyro for 4 years. He was known as an excellent driver, and a professional at cracking safes.

“Green… Green… Whelp it’s green goddamnit!” Hawk said loudly as he noticed Zeno wasn’t paying attention. Zeno immediately drove a bit further, waited for an opening in between the cars and turned around. He now drove toward the opposite direction from which they came and parked the Mercedes-Benz in front of the alley. Pyro opened the door, jumped out and closed it quickly. As he closed the door the rest of the crew was already taking their stuff.

“Alright, one more time.” Hawk started as he took two silenced guns and an assault rifle.
“Whelp.” He said, checking his weapons.
“I go in with you, help you with taking care of the guards, crack the safe and put the money in the bag. In the meantime you empty the bottle of bleach all over the place to destroy evidence. We both walk out, get in the van and live happily ever after.” Zeno replied as he took a silenced HK UMP .45.
“Good, Pyro?” Hawk continued.
“I’ll install the explosives in this van and detonate them after we shifted cars. Destroying all evidence within the van.” Pyro smiled, as usual. He jumped in the back of the van.
“Perfect. Nerd?… I mean Mint.” Hawk said with a huge smile on his face.
“I stay here, check for police activity and fill you two in should there be a problem.” He said without any emotion in his voice. He didn’t want to react on Hawk’s teases anymore.

“Alright let’s go, Whelp.” Hawk said and they continued down the alley.
Something in Zeno's head told him something was off but...
It was just another day, another mission. What could possibly go wrong?

Found an error.
Above the last sentence.
"Alright let's go, Whelp." He said and they continued down the alley.

Replace the 'He' by 'Hawk'.

Alright first off. You barely got by with this whole thing as being an ordinary day by saying it is an ordinary day for these guys. Luckily there is no actual action so it passes.

Second, sorry this took so long. I have been waiting for my co-admin for something as well as life stuff but here we are.

I award this

TIER TWO

While the plot and characters are understandable and it is coherent, you suffer the same problem that a lot of writers have. Rather than showing the world and characters by their words and actions, you just tell the reader everything. The whole piece is driven by the narrator and very little by the characters. While this does at least introduce the characters it also makes the sotry a tad drab. Its like if you are watching a TV show and you see all these characters in a plane waiting to go on a mission.

The director could go two ways. One is that a narrator pops in or some other character that is only there to spout exposition and he just one by one explains every single thing about the character. "This is blah. He does blah blah blah. He is the group's blah. He feels nervous." Then there is the other way where you have no narrator to explain anything but just the actions and dialogue to differentiate between the characters and figure out who has what position.

Its showing not telling, and it is one of the hardest aspects of writing. If you want to talk to me more about it, then be my guest.

Besides that though the rest of the writing is solid. Only like one or two errors and they were so minor it doesn't matter.

So you are officially authorized to make anything except for an Elder One initially.