Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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» ALL MEMBERS- PLEASE READ
Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:23 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing again again
Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:05 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Testing Again
Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:04 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Naruto Rev
Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime8/15/2011, 11:33 pm by Tartarax

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Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime8/2/2011, 2:57 am by Guest

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Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime7/30/2011, 4:31 pm by Zafaron Uriuc

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Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime7/28/2011, 8:48 pm by Mistress of the House

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 Takeshi's RP Sample

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Iori




Posts : 80
Points : 56
Join date : 2010-10-05

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PostSubject: Takeshi's RP Sample   Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime10/6/2010, 12:54 pm

It was a usual day in the city. People were going abouttheir daily lives. There was a group of businessmen all going to theiroffice-buildings depending on who worked where; there was a man who looked sosuspiciously similar to a junky, seeing that he would occasionally scratch hiselbow or sickly sniff; there was a woman on the corner, leaning against thewall, smoking a cigarette and giving seductive looks to men; and amongst all ofthose people there was this one guy who was somehow…different. It was probablydue to the fact that he had an insane mohawk, a torn up vest, torn up jeans andwas carrying a guitar case. The t-shirt under his vest had a red anarchy signon it. The man himself looked like he was no older than 19. As he passed theolder man who was sitting on the floor, everything about whom was screaming “homeless”,he tossed several coins into the old man’s hat that was in front of him. “Thankyou, young man.” “Any time, old man.” Answered the man with a grin and walkedon.

He was walking down the street, occasionally bumping intosome people. He wasn’t doing it on purpose, and it wasn’t that bad, but forsome it could be unpleasant. Its just that he didn’t care at all. For him, hewas just walking his way and everybody else was walking their own way. He wouldoccasionally get some funny looks from people who either have never seenanything like this before, or didn’t appreciate and despised it. Never theless, he was walking his way, down just another busy street of thisgod-forsaken city. He crossed the road, walked some more before turning to a muchless busy street, where there were not so many people, except for the entrance ofsomething that to an ordinary eye looked like…well it actually didn’t reallylook like anything in particular. But this man, as well as all the others whogathered there knew that this was an entrance to a venue. As soon as one of thepeople saw the man approach, he told the others and they started cheering. Hewas trying to squeeze through them, occasionally high fiving some of them.

He finally managed to get inside. It was dark and full ofpeople. People similar to him in the way they dressed. He walked over to astage and then disappeared in one of the back doors.
“Ah well there you are Jim. Took you long enough.”
“Well I’m not late, am I? I’m pretty sure we still have timefor another quick practice.”
“Yeah that’s true.”
He was talking to 2 other people looking similar to him,again in the way they dressed. One of them had a bass guitar and the other hada microphone in his hand. There was one more man at the drum set and anotherman with a guitar. Jim took out his guitar as well. “So then, another run Iguess?”
“Yeah! Lets do this!”
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Takeshi's RP Sample   Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime10/10/2010, 4:19 pm

:-/

I have seen better from you but I gotta grade what I see here.

Nearly the whole first paragraph is an example of telling, not showing. You as the narrator are just telling "there is a group of businessmen, there is a woman, there was a man, there is a guy that is different" You just give us a grocery list of details about the scene and then another list of details on the appearance of Jim.

The second paragraph just feels choppy with most of it devoted just to the fact that he is walking and constantly repeats the fact. "He was walking down the street, for him he was just walking his way, he was walking his way" We do get a little development by showing that he doesn't care that much about the people around him but it is drowned in the repeated explanation that he is walking.

Last bit of the sample really just doesn't tell us much. There are people that look like him. They have instruments. They apparently play those instruments.

All in all the sample really just feels like a list of basic actions and description that aren't held together that well. The main character doesn't seem to have a personality. All he is is a guy that wears punk clothes and plays an instrument.

I am going to have to give this a Tier 3 for now. You do have another chance to make a new sample, but I recommend you try to get someone's critiques before you submit it. Maybe look at a few of the other samples as well. As I said I have seen better from you, it just feels like this one was rather rushed.
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Runic

Runic


Posts : 43
Points : 0
Join date : 2010-09-23

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PostSubject: Re: Takeshi's RP Sample   Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime10/12/2010, 10:54 am

To bring this up-to-date...

As per tier changes, this is currently

Tier 4
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PostSubject: Re: Takeshi's RP Sample   Takeshi's RP Sample Icon_minitime

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