Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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 Zan's Sample RP

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Zanmato Jishaku




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Join date : 2010-11-14

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PostSubject: Zan's Sample RP   Zan's Sample RP Icon_minitime11/29/2010, 5:50 pm

Zanmato Jishaku awakened reluctantly as the rays of the morning sun lit his room; at first he had thought to defend himself from his morning enemy by covering his head with his pillow, but that plan was soon thereafter rendered useless as the automated alarm clock on the right side of his bed began to ring. The noise was so loud and so sudden that when he heard it, Zanmato jumped about an inch off of the bed itself. He opened his eyes slowly to reveal red pupils which looked at the alarm clock malevolently, then pressed the snooze button with quite a yawn accompanying the action.

Soon after the alarm clock had gone off, Zan heard the familiar sounds that accompanied early mornings in his house; parents awakening and going to the bathroom to handle hygiene, sister waking up only to fall back asleep minutes later, and of course the somewhat heavy panting that served as his only warning before he got tackled by his canine best friend.

"Hey Haimaru! Did you come to make sure that I got out of bed?"

The dog looked at Zan with keen and intelligent eyes, and if the boy had been given the power to read the minds of animals, he was sure that he would have heard a 'maybe' just then; such was the look that Haimaru was giving him. After about a minute of playing with the dog in his bed, and with his face covered by saliva, Zanmato finally rolled out of bed and into his own bathroom to ensure that he was presentable. After all, what was the use of going to school with the appearance of a slob? After brushing his teeth, washing his face, and applying much needed deodorant to his armpits, Zan walked back into his room and selected his attire for that day; a short-sleeved white button-up shirt with a black tie, black slacks attached firmly to the waist by an equally black belt, and dark shoes recently polished and shined so that they were virtually reflective as Zanmato looked at them with pride in his eyes.

Walking downstairs and into the kitchen, Zan and Haimaru acquired their usual breakfast; cereal with milk for Zan and a generous amount of dog food for Haimaru. Sometime during their breakfast, Zan's sister Mai gracefully walked into the room and poured herself some cereal. The siblings ate in silence, as had been their way for the past few years. Eventually, after all three members of the family had finished their breakfast, Zan and Mai put their bowls into the sink where Mai washed them briefly while Zan picked up his car keys and started to gather his belongings that he needed to take with him for school. After perhaps five minutes had passed, both of them were done with their respective tasks, and both were preparing to leave the house; Zanmato to go to school, and Mai to go to work, ironically being a teacher at Zan's school, albeit being a new teacher.

After informing their parents that they were leaving, both siblings walked outside, going toward their respective cars. After exchanging a few words as to avoid having not spoken to each other for an entire morning, both siblings got into their respective vehicles, though not before Zan gave Haimaru another friendly pat on the head. Taking a deep breath, Zan started up the car, pulled out of the driveway, and after checking around to make sure that he was not going to be killed in the street in front of his house by a random driver so early in the morning, drove in the direction which would bring him to school in approximately fifteen minutes.

By the time that he would arrive at his high school, Zanmato would be wondering about his mornings; they were always so mundane, and yet he was always satisfied with them. He would ponder this strange fact for quite a few minutes, until his friends found him and snapped him out of his thoughts. Then, he would go throughout the school day with a small smile playing on his lips, ultimately going back home once the school day had ended. From there he would do his homework, eat dinner, play with Haimaru for whatever time he had left, then he would sleepily crawl into his bed to go to sleep for the night. And from there, the cycle would begin anew.
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
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Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Zan's Sample RP   Zan's Sample RP Icon_minitime12/4/2010, 5:24 pm

Alright, this was a difficult one to grade.

But I have decided to give it

Tier 2

but one that is quite close to Tier 1. Won't take much to bump it up in the future.

One of the main things is that you will sometimes will be redundant or will add extra clauses that are rather unnecessary.

Example: "then pressed the snooze button with quite a yawn accompanying the action."

The reader is aware if you just said "yawned and pressed the snooze button" that the yawn is accompanying the action. You don't really need to remind us of that fact.

The end also gets a tad dry as you just suddenly summarize the rest of the day with just a grocery list of events.

However it is a very good sample, will be easy to have it bumped up to Tier1 in the future.

So you have access to any character outside of the elder ones who are restricted initially anyway.
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