Bleach: Maelstrom
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Bleach: Maelstrom

An Alternate Universe Bleach RP. Chaos has finally been unleashed upon the world as the races, ancient and new, all vie for supremacy.
 
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» ALL MEMBERS- PLEASE READ
Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:23 am by Zafaron Uriuc

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Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:05 am by Zafaron Uriuc

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Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime12/3/2013, 6:04 am by Zafaron Uriuc

» Naruto Rev
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 Hagustume's Sample

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Hagutsume

Hagutsume


Posts : 2
Points : 0
Join date : 2011-01-12
Age : 32

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PostSubject: Hagustume's Sample   Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime1/13/2011, 3:12 pm

T'was a pleasant summer afternoon when Theodore and his son Hendrick returned home with several freshly caught fish from the nearby river. "Alright boy, go fetch some firewood and check if the chicken were fed while you're at it, I'll go fetch the pan and oil." The boy nodded at his father and ran to the back of the shred, next to the chicken coop. "Oh, you're back from fishing already?" Timothy, the elder son of the family, was in the kitchen when his father entered. "Sure am, got a nice catch today. If you want some you'd better come out in an hour. I recon they'd be fried nicely by then." Timothy nodded, took his drink and traded the kitchen for his study.

With pan and a flask of oil in hand, Theodore returned to the garden, where Hendrick was playing with their dog. "And boy, were the chickens fed properly by your brother?" asked the father while piling the firewood under the small wooden stove. "Yep, there was still some maize laying on the ground in the coop so I bet Tim fed 'em." Hendrick could barely finish his sentence before being licked in the face by their dog, Wolf. The father smiled approvingly while trying to lit the firewood with a match. After a few attempts he menaged to lit the fire and he placed the pan on the stove. "Can you hand me the oil flask, Rick?" Before the finished his request, Hendrick was standing next to him with the flask of sunflower oil.

It took a small hour before the oil was boiling hot, ready to fry some fish in it. During the wait, Theodore cleaned the fish and was now waiting for his youngest son to return with some bread to eat with it. "Dad, Tim asked if he could use your calculator. He's got to recalculate the buisness'... erm..." Hendrick was trying to remember the word his brother told him, patting his dog while thinking. "Ah, right, the buisness' profit margin. Said you made a slight mistake here and there." The father sighed. He wasn't that young anymore and his many years of hard mental work started to show on both his face and his actions. "Good thing he's getting used to my job already considering he's going to inherit the company. right, go tell him he may use it to his heart's content, okay?" Hendrick nodded and ran back inside, Wolf closely at his back.

Enjoying the perspective of retirment, Theodore lowered the fish meat into the oil carefully so that he wouldn't spill any oil. "Oh, Rick, tell your brother that the fish is done in a jiffy." The boy nodded at his dad halfway in the door with Wolf bumbing his little owner in the back. "Ah, my dear Alice in Heaven... you blessed me with two good sons. Timothy will make sure that the buisness will keep running and Hendrick will be a great support for him." With a saudadic smile, Theodore watched the sun hiding behind dark clouds on the horizon. "Guess we'll have a storm tomorrow." He turned his head, seeing his two dear sons come into the garden with three dishes and some cutlery, both looking happy with their current life. "Rick, go feed Wolf before it's done, otherwise he'll start begging." Hendrick nodded and returned inside, again closely followed by Wolf.
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Zafaron Uriuc
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Zafaron Uriuc


Posts : 388
Points : 65
Join date : 2010-09-19
Age : 32
Location : California Dude!

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PostSubject: Re: Hagustume's Sample   Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime1/15/2011, 5:34 am

Alright after some conversation I have decided on

TIER 3

The sample is decent but one of the most noticeable issues is that there are several spelling and grammar issues abundant in the sample. I can point them out to you if you wish but I think perusing it a few times will allow you to notice it as well.

The second problem is a lot more difficult to fix. In general the sample feels rather thin and, in a way, boring. Part of the issue is that the characters feel very very flat. They are more cardboard cutouts that exist for the sake of performing the actions of the plot. Giving them more life will in turn give the sample more impact as well. Its a hard task to pull off, especially when it is supposed to be a normal day.

If you want more help with that then let me know.

Now you can keep this tier if you want. It will give you the opportunity to make any characters lieutenant level and below. However you can also make a second roleplay sample either now or later to hopefully take the advice from this one to get a higher tier later. Your choice.

As for the anthro question you asked in the PM. I really would need a strong reason why the character would be an anthro and what purpose it would serve for the character. Its more of a case by case thing. So either PM me more details or just make the character and we will see from there how it goes.
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Hagutsume

Hagutsume


Posts : 2
Points : 0
Join date : 2011-01-12
Age : 32

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PostSubject: Re: Hagustume's Sample   Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime1/15/2011, 10:11 am

Alright, I'll stick with tier 3 for now. Thanks for the awnser.
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PostSubject: Re: Hagustume's Sample   Hagustume's Sample Icon_minitime

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