Kenshiki's RP [done] (Approved)

Kenshiki sat on the front porch of his new home, and watched as birds flew by. He thought about leaving and returning to his old village many times, but he knew that would only get him into trouble and hurt his old friends there. A cardinal landed and the mailbox and stared at Kenshiki for a time. He thought about shooing it away, but before he could get up it flew away. Kenshiki sighed he thought of the cardinal as ironic. For the longest time Kenshiki wanted to leave the old village and broaden his horizons, but now being forced away from his home he is longing to return, but knows that, that is impossible. Kenshiki then rose from his chair, and walked around his house to the garage. He entered the garage, and without turning on a light, or waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, he went to the object in the center, and removed the covering.

An urban camo-painted four-wheeler sat there. The four-wheeler was approximately four feet tall; sitting on 17 in. tires. Kenshiki had been working on it since before he moved, but it was still inoperable, and would be until he figured out why. He sighed once again, covered it up, and then left the garage, not sure why even went to look at it. Instead of returning to the porch, he decided that he should walk around and left for the nearby store. Kenshiki hadn't any money on him, but figure this would take his mind off of the events that happened just a few days ago.

Kenshiki arrived and the market, to find that it was utterly empty of customers, in fact there was only a single person in the 100 ft. store. Kenshiki half smile, half frowned; he didn't have to deal with anyone this way he thought as he entered and went up and down the aisles, barely aware of the objects on display. Kenshiki heard a bell, and looked up to see, a young woman enter the store, and move towards the back of the store.

Kenshiki guessed she was between 18-22 years of age, just like he was. She wore a simple purple dress that went down below her knees and some old sandals. Kenshiki also noted that her hair was an unusual shade of blue-black, and her purse she wore over her left shoulder was black.

“Umm, excuse me.” She said to Kenshiki. Hearing a voice Kenshiki jumped a little and realized he been standing there in her way. When he jumped she giggled and Kenshiki face turned red, as he moved out of the way. “Thank you sir, I’m Ayane.” Ayane Kenshiki thought, it was a name that seemed to suite her, and hearing said in her voice mad it even better. “You are?”

“Uhh, Kenshiki” Kenshiki said really fast wishing he could observe her from a distance rather than up close. Ayane smiled and went back to her shopping, leaving Kenshiki standing there. Ayane then turned, walked a few steps toward Kenshiki and said, “you moved into the house down the street right?” Kenshiki was confused for a second, wonder how she knew that then remembered that this was a small town so when something happens, word spreads like wild fire. He nodded once to answer her question.

Before he realized what he was doing he blurted out, “If you want to stop by sometime, for some tea, my schedule is open.” Ayane smiled and nodded once before leaving. Kenshiki felt good for the first time since leaving his old. Freshly rejuvenated, Kenshiki left the store to work on his four-wheeler.

Kenshiki entered his garage and saw the four-wheeler right where he had left it covered up. He then proceeded to uncover it, and had a thought. If it isn’t starting because the fuel isn’t moving like it should, then there is probably a blockage.[ /i] With a new found enthusiasm Kenshiki went to work attempting to fix the possible problem. [i] well, Kenshiki thought, this is the eleventh hour, either all that work will pay off or it was all for naught. Kenshiki shivered at the thought of it still not working, but, he grabbed the key from the table, and put it in the ignition. He held his breath at this point, and was frozen for a second, but found the courage to turn the key. He heard it whining, but then he heard it turn over and start purring like an American made, gasoline engine should. Kenshiki jumped up once and said, “Praise the lord.”

Hm. This is a mixed bag.

You have a spark of life in this and the narration is rather tolerable. I don't need to strain myself to understand either the plot or setting, and the events in the story are rather clear.

I positively note that some of your sentences have a refreshing length to them, occupying the point where it is not too short to be choppy, but not too long to be overly verbose. Unfortunately, however, while your sentences, alone, tend to occupy that happy medium, your thoughts do not flow nearly as well from sentence to sentence. Sometimes the thoughts do not flow well even within the same sentence.

Quote :

A cardinal landed and the mailbox and stared at Kenshiki for a time before flying away.

Quote :

Kenshiki entered the garage, and without turning on a light, went to the object in the center, and removed the covering.

These sentences are rather awkward.

Quote :

He sighed once again, covered it up, and then left the garage. Instead of returning to the porch, he instead left for the nearby store. Kenshiki hadn't any money on him, but figure this would take his mind off of the events that happened just a few days ago.

This quote is just an example of bad flow between the sentences. It is rather prevalent throughout the piece, though some of it is more subtle than the example I have given.

The setting, also, though it is apparent, feels as though it was hastily constructed and is weak because of this. While it is established, it's rather flimsily done so.

A myriad of unusual spelling and grammatical errors. More odd than debilitating, though I would recommend you try to stomp that out if you can.

Quote :

Ayane Kenshiki thought, it was a name that seemed to suite her, and hearing said in her voice mad it even better.

Overall, the piece itself feels rather weak, and that's the turning point. While I would say that you are riding the boundary between two and three, I would say that, at the moment, you are of the third tier.

Tier 3

has been revised

Did this come from a larger story? Because my initial thought is that it was pulled from something else.

Quote :

He thought about leaving and returning to his old village many times, but he knew that would only get him into trouble and hurt his old friends there.

For the longest time Kenshiki wanted to leave the old village and broaden his horizons, but now being forced away from his home he is longing to return, but knows that, that is impossible.

These lines and a few others are kinda just there. I feel you wanted to use them to give some dimension to the character but when they really aren't followed through in the sample it makes it feel awkward and shoved in.

I will however give this an upgrade to

TIER 2

However it still isn't a very strong sample just barely crossing the boundary in my mind. It feels very unfocused and has a few things that made me scratch my head.

Kenshiki sighed he thought of the cardinal as ironic.

Why? What is ironic?

Kenshiki hadn't any money on him, but figure this would take his mind off of the events that happened just a few days ago.

Don't mention something for no reason like this. Its frustrating to the reader to make them curious and then never mention it again.

this is the eleventh hour, either all that work will pay off or it was all for naught.

Why was this the eleventh hour? If that didn't work didn't it mean he would just try something else? Did he have to finish it by a certain day? Was there a time limit?

Also you didn't fix some of the errors Runic pointed out which made me raise the other eyebrow. It still says her name SUITES her and that her voice MAD it better.

You do an okay job at showing not telling and I am glad not to see a list of info about the main character. I still don't know that much about him from the narrative though but it ain't breaking.

Perhaps the main flaw still present is the simple fact that the ideas kinda seem all over the place. You have him sitting around, then he randomly looks at the car, then randomly goes to the store, happens to meet a girl, and then figures out how to fix the car. While all of these individual scenes are okay on their own, they really don't fit together well. The trend of the narrative seems to have a bit of an issue.

I will however stay with Tier 2 but you are right on the boundary. You managed to get it up just enough but I would recommend looking at a few of the other samples and take these critiques in mind when making other samples in the future.

I was thinking about adding in the history that is mentioned, but then i figured that that would be less of an rp sample and more of a char bio