Personality: He is sinister but in a relaxed way. He is a great leader and worry's about his subordinates. He is lazy and some would say a procrastinator until he cut their tongue out.He is relaxed and laid back. When it comes to battle however he is methodical and sinister and slightly insane almost sounds like you then had killed his wife or something.
Fighting Style: He fights fast, powerful, and hard. Can launch fast and destructive ceros and can lay traps on the field,if he wants. in release state 1. He grows bout a foot and gains long sword like like bones that grow out of his left hand. He gets a stalkyer build and if he is stabbed the opponent feels that same pain and gets the same injury. he has 5 hearts to kill him u must strike each one also you will not have pain for striking him in those areas
Background: He was a only child stuck up for his few friends loved his life, at most points he loved his life.Died from a car wreck amongst the living for his gf. as a tough kid who was gentle but if you messed with his friends watch out. He loved to read and write, thats how he showed his emotions to his girl friend.He was getting engaged when his gf was bout to get hit by a car he took the hit in stead. In the soul society he felt his soul become dark thus hollowfying he was a hollow for 50 years.His heart became darker and darker thus becoming a espada after killing his entire family.He became an arrancar for an unknown reason. He loved the rush of fighting and thus far has never lost a fight. was always tall at 6 foot 2 but took that to a whole new level in his level 1 release by gaining a foot in size. In a battle with his hollow self and his heart he allowed himself to take over. He also is the quickest vaste lordes to evolve to an espada.
He is a fighter who has been heard about throughout the land. Known as the lightning espada for his quick and brute tactics.Is a respectful fighter but only fights to the death unless ordered otherwise. Given a chance if he dislikes you he will kill you. Thats what you needed to know.
Last edited by jeff on 5/14/2011, 11:21 pm; edited 10 times in total
Zafaron Uriuc Admin
Posts : 388 Points : 65 Join date : 2010-09-19 Age : 32 Location : California Dude!
Subject: Re: jeff the espada 5/12/2011, 12:03 am
*clicks tongue*
Well since this is apparently your first time on an RP site (you mentioned that in the cbox) I am gonna go over the things that need changes as well as various pointers for dealing with RP sites.
First off, proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation is extremely important for your RP writing. The more difficult it is to read what you write the more troublesome it is to RP with you.
So some of the most noticeable things to see is that you apparently don't capitalize sentences. The beginning of any sentence should have a capital letter. If you forget once or twice no one cares but when you don't have any, it is extremely distracting.
Another issue is that you often do not have a subject in your sentence. "is sinister but in a relaxed way" should be "He is sinister but in a relaxed way. "is relaxed and laid back" should be be "He is relaxed and laid back." While in some sentences it is still understandable because there is only one character being described, the moment that multiple possible subjects appear it becomes much more difficult to understand who is doing the actions.
This is just elementary roleplaying knowledge. The basics of the basics is making sure that other people can read it properly.
Now on to the actual content. While you did link to a picture for your character, you should realize that if you ever have a text description, just saying "He looks dark and evil" tells the reader absolutely nothing about the appearance of the character. Some people think clowns look dark and evil so it is ineffective just to use generic words like that because they don't really mean anything.
"when it comes to battle however he is methodical and sinister and slightly insane almost sounds like u then had killed his wife or something"
You keep using the word sinister but you don't give any examples or descriptions which once again makes it a generic description without really telling the reader anything. And I don't even know what you are saying with the second half of that sentence. "Almost sounds like you then had killed his wife". What are you even trying to say there?
Under fighting style - First off its just the style, you don't put appearance changes there. Those go in the abilities section. Also if you read the rules you would see that we don't have segunda etapa on this site. And besides we wouldn't have allowed the copycat of Hidan with the whole "I get stabbed which hurts you as well" stuff. So removing all of that we just have one sentence in the fighting style saying that he fights fast, uses ceros a fair amount and sometimes lays traps. Would like a bit more description here.
Your background tells so little about the character. We usually expect at least 3 paragraphs for higher ranks like the Espada and your two still tell very very little. Not only that but it screws up many things for the site and even for bleach.
The whole death really doesn't work that well for the time period. The site takes place in 2022, and your character is 130 years old. This means your character was run over by a car...in the 1890s. Highly unlikely due to the scarcity of automobiles at this point of time and the top speed of them. You would be much more likely to be run over by a horse at this point in time.
You then have him instantly change into a vasto lordes. First off, we aren't allowing anymore on the site. Second, you don't instantly change into a Vasto Lorde. Hollows have to grow fairly strong first and then they usually are eaten by or eat other hollows to change into a gillian. From there they eat other menos until they change into an adjucas and eventually a vasto lorde. You don't instantly change into one because your heart grew dark or because you ate your family.
Will talk more about the never lost a fight thing below but again don't add physical description in the middle of your backstory.
Now for perhaps the biggest error in this profile.
"in a battle between him and the legendary aizen he won with no problem."
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. First off as we mentioned in the cbox, this is an alternate universe site. Aizen does not exist. Never has. No one from the original story existed. Second, you CANNOT just say you beat Aizen easily. Thats honestly just dumb. Instantly assuming that you can beat the Big Bad of the series, EASILY AT THAT, is just ridiculous. You don't explain why they were fighting, how it happened, and the fact that he wins easily is simply ludicrous.
You also don't EVOLVE into an Espada. You can become an arrancar through a tranformation process. In the show this was done primarily by Aizen, on this site it is done by the Primera Pereza.
And yet you still don't explain when this happened. How did he become an espada, why did he gain the power? All we know is that he did, that is poor backstory creation.
And then your second paragraph just gives more information about his personality and fighting style. Which should have gone in the proper section in the first place. And of course you don't actually talk about what he is doing right now or how he got to where he is now.
Okay with that done with I want to give you some tips and pointers considering the fact that this is your first RP site and you obviously needs some knowledge of how to do stuff on an RP site. ROLEPLAYING TIPS
1. As mentioned above, proper grammar and spelling is extremely important. Being able to understand what your opponent's post says is necessary to be able to RP properly. Spelling isn't as much of an issue, though it can get annoying when there are a lot of mistakes, but grammar is especially important. Switching the subject and verb or being unclear about who is doing what can make a simple action extremely difficult to comprehend.
2. You shouldn't instantly assume your character can get to be the strongest things since Jesus or that he gets all the special powerups just because. Segunda Etapa isn't used on many sites and even on the ones that do allow it, it is extremely rare. Which it should be. As was shown by the series, only one arrancar ever had the ability to do it. So you shouldn't assume your character will be the one to have it. Same with vasto lordes. They were explained to be extrodinarily rare among even the Espada and we never even got confirmation that any of the espada were originally Vasto Lordes, though it is hinted that at least Ulquiorra was. So once again you shouldn't assume you can instantly get Vasto Lordes, you should first ask the admins if there is an availability for the position.
3. Details are important. Vague generalities such as looking "evil" don't help the reader or the grader. The reader should be able to get a clear picture of what you are describing without too much difficulty. This is true for appearance, personality, and backstory. While you don't have to write down every single minuscule event that occurs to a character, there should be a clear progression of events from beginning to end. All you gave is a beginning, the car accident. We aren't told how he goes from there or where he ends up.
4. Perhaps most important, and it goes with 2, DO NOT ASSUME YOUR CHARACTER IS ULTRA STRONG! If you think your character can beat any other character then you are already doing something wrong. The fact that you say your character has never lost a fight and beat Aizen easily is a very very bad sign. Your character can be strong don't get me wrong. But saying your character can beat the big bad easily would likely get your character completely denied on most sites. If you really just HAVE to have your character that strong, then I recommend you do something that isn't RPing, perhaps write fanfiction if necessary. RPing is all about the interaction between the users and the characters of those same users. If you act like your character can kill anyone or is just so freaking strong, then no one will want to RP with you. And if you start attacking anyway then the site staff would likely have to step in to put a stop to it anyway.
So I hope you take this advice to heart. Will help you in the long term if you continue with RPing.
And if you are still interested in RPing on this site then still edit the profile to work with the changes I requested.
Zafaron Uriuc Admin
Posts : 388 Points : 65 Join date : 2010-09-19 Age : 32 Location : California Dude!
Subject: Re: jeff the espada 5/15/2011, 5:45 pm
Sigh......................
Its a tad frustrating when I write all that stuff to help you out and you ignore pretty much the entire thing. If reading is such an issue for you, then RPing is not the place to jump into just yet.
But on the off chance you are still willing to try to fix this thing, here are the things that need changes. Will put them in bullet points so you can actually read them this time.
+ When it comes to battle however he is methodical and sinister and slightly insane almost sounds like you then had killed his wife or something. PLEASE CHANGE THIS LINE. It currently does not make sense. And it actually should be in fighting style, not personality.
+In the soul society he felt his soul become dark thus hollowfying he was a hollow for 50 years. You can't hollowfy in the soul society. Only in the human world.
+His heart became darker and darker thus becoming a espada after killing his entire family. An Espada is a rank within the Arrancar organization. You don't evolve into an Espada. And you don't even explain what family this is that you killed. LOOK UP HOW HOLLOWS BECOME MENOS! I EXPLAINED IT IN MY ABOVE POST!
+ He became an arrancar for an unknown reason. Nope.avi. As stated again in the above post all the arrancar on the site are made arrancar by the Primera, Pereza. So that would need to be added to your backstory. You don't just change for no reason.
+ He loved the rush of fighting and thus far has never lost a fight. Yeah I'm not letting you pass this one by. Starting out with a character that has never lost is always a bad way to start shit.
+ was always tall at 6 foot 2 but took that to a whole new level in his level 1 release by gaining a foot in size. Belongs in description of your ressurecion, not in your backstory.
+ In a battle with his hollow self and his heart he allowed himself to take over. I don't even know what you are saying here.
+ He also is the quickest vaste lordes to evolve to an espada. As you have been told by Fuuga and myself, we have enough Vasto Lordes on the site and your character will not be allowed to be one. And you don't evolve into an Espada. Its a rank among arrancar, not an evolution. And you wouldn't be the first to become an arrancar anyways since that would be the Primera.
And your entire last paragraph does not belong in backstory.
I would like to make this completely clear. To get a leadership role on the site such as the Espada, you also need to fill out a roleplay sample. With your lack of experience in RPing and the example you have shown here, I doubt you would be able to make a sample with the quality necessary to retain that rank. So you are likely going to have to create a fraccion or a regular arrancar rather then an Espada.
If you wish for help in improving your RPing skills since you are new to the site, the staff and I can help you. However, this requires effort on your part to read our comments and edit stuff accordingly which you have not shown so far. You have edited SOME of the things we have brought up but there are still many more errors you have been told about that you have ignored. That doesn't fly on RP sites.
12/3/2013, 6:23 am by 
