there goes [in need of rating]

Posts : 43 Points : 9 Join date : 2010-10-07 Age : 35

Gabriel woke groaning tired as he reached for the ringing phone. Making sure the video wasn't active, he punched open the line. "Ungh."

"Hello!" came the cheery voice on the other end.

"I...Hate...You." was his strangled reply.

Adam laugh. "A little headache, aren't we?"

"Even my hair hurts i can feel it." He murmured. "If you were here and if I could move, I'd find something sharp and stab you with it. Like repeatedly."

"Didn't I warn to stop drinking like that last night but the so controlled guy didn't seemed too over control" Adam teased, his voice coming across sounding tinny through the tiny speaker in Gabriel's communicator who groaned, burying his face deeper into his pillow. He could only thank God that he wasn't there in person to see how shitty he looked.

"Hey," Adam said, regaining his attention, "unlock the front door i got locked when i went out!"

"Wait... what, fuck wait a moment". He pushed a sequence of buttons next to his bedside, and heard the magnetic deadbolt buried in the frame of the front door snap open. Within a few seconds, he heard the heavy footsteps on his hallway towards his bedroom, and Adam's eyes peeked around the edge of his door.

"Are ya decent?" he asked walking in just to see the funny reaction of his friend.

"Rarely," Gabriel retorted, "but looks like i am" realizing he was still using his shorts under the sheets. Adam came and strode over to his bed. With a sigh he sat down on the edge.

"How ironic, during all the year the one who usually gets so drunk and ends causing trouble to everybody, usually most of them to you, it's me and now we change roles like that... I don't know if i like how this year started i kinda like how the old way used to work"

"Ok, very funny... just shut up and lemme sleep now" Gabriel said, rolling and covering his head under the pillow while trying to kick Adam out of the bed "You suck"

"its 9 am you didn't had somewhere to go today before lunch?"

"Yeah there was a family reunion... at my grandma, fuck my parents are gonna go crazy but i don't feel like going there, so there's no hurry... , also how come you brought me here you don't drive cars"

"Correcting, its been a some time that i don't drive cars, it took me sometime to remember and learn how to drive your, and i wasn't carrying my license either so i was really afraid to get stopped by any cops on the way here"

"...thanks" he said, muffled by the pillow but still listenable.

"... but well then what i do with these donuts i just bought..." Adam sat on the mattress on the floor and threw the rustled paper sack near Gabriel's head "...i'm not really hungry... but..." "you must be hungry cause you have like nothing on your stomach, my shirt , pants and a lot of people can easily tell you that" "i was thinking where i saw the shirt that you're using, its mine, but god it was really that bad..." he said seating on the bed, scratching his head and eyes with one of his hand while picking a donut and biting it with another, before throwing the sack back at Adam.

"nice... you're welcome" he said yawning and laying on the mattress before covering his self.

"now that you woke me you go sleep..."

"now that you don't have to go i don't fucking care... i can sleep until 3 pm i'm fucking tired..."

He knew exactly what that kind of tiredness was like as observed his friend now rolling on the mattress and trying to sleep in peace "bastard... then you call me when you wake up or whenever you feel like going home... except now" he said with a yaw, after don't hearing any incoming reply and hearing only a small snoring coming from his friend he yawned again, this time falling his head back in the pillow and going back to sleep.

Subject: Re: there goes [in need of rating] 1/25/2011, 6:45 pm

Alright finally got around to grading this.

The main issue that that detracts from this sample are the grammatical errors. There are lots of them and while they don't make it too difficult to understand what is going on, it is enough to be annoying at certain points.

Ex: "Gabriel woke groaning tired as he reached for the ringing phone." Is his groaning tired? Is his tired groaning?

"Didn't I warn to stop drinking like that last night but the so controlled guy didn't seemed too over control". Besides missing the word you, the second half of the sentence just gets confusing. Is he saying that the "so controlled guy" looked like he was under control or that he wasn't listening? Confused.

"Correcting, its been a some time that i don't drive cars, it took me sometime to remember and learn how to drive your,"

Not even sure what you are going for with this.

So while the events are at least interesting, the grammar mistakes force it to be knocked down to a

Tier 3

This means lieutenant and below is available for you. If you want to edit this again and fix of the grammatical errors (no I didn't mention all of them), then just bump this when you are done and i will see if it gains a new tier.

Posts : 43 Points : 9 Join date : 2010-10-07 Age : 35

i should have read it before posting...
but i'm good, won't change o/
i don't want elder ones

lieutenant its fine, so i can rp my way to higher ranks this way instead starting with a high spot.

more interesting this way.