A letter to God

Pablo was a religious man. He prayed before his meals and every time he went to bed at night after a long day of farming. Every night he prayed and every night he'd ask God to help his crops grow. The past year was one of his worst years yet and Pablo had very little money to buy seed for the coming season. He didn't have any relatives to borrow money from, nor did he have good enough credit to take out a loan from the bank. So Pablo soon decided to turn to the only one he thought cared for him, God. Pablo was not the most intelligent man in the world and he really didn't know how to contact God other than to pray to him. However he believed that recently, God wasn't hearing his prayers. So instead of Praying, Pablo decided to write a letter to God.

Early in the morning, Pablo left his home and traveled to the post office. With determination, he walked through the front door and saw the post master sitting at his desk reading a book. He wore large glasses and had a very thick black mustache on his face. Pablo approached the desk and in a soft tone of voice he spoke. "Excuse me sir..." The post master continued to read in his book until he reached a point where he could look away and keep his place in the story. "Yes?" He replied. Pablo hesitate for a moment, unsure of whether writing a letter to God would work. He breathed deeply and spoke again. "I'd like to write a letter, but I do not know how to read or write. Could you help me?" The post master widened his eyes and nodded his head. "Of course, of course." The post master took a pen from a cub on his desk and opened a drawer from which he drew a piece of paper to write on. He placed the paper on his desk and readied the pen to write. "Who may I ask is this letter to?" The post master asked eagerly. "To God." Pablo replied. "To God?" The post master repeated. "Yes, to God." The post masters face went blank. "What would you like it to say?" He inquired. Pablo scratched the top of his head timidly. "Well, last season I didn't make much money from my crops... I would like God to send one thousand dollars to help me buy Seed." The post master was touched by Pablo. He wrote the letter, explaining to God Pablo's situation and read it back to him. "Thank you sir!" Pablo said to the post master as he left the post office.

The post master didn't believe that God would send the money. However he was so touched by Pablo's faith that instead of sending the letter, he drew his own life savings which added up to nine hundred dollars and placed it in to an envelope which he would give to Pablo as an act of kindness. One week later, Pablo returned to the post office, hoping to hear back from God. He looked at the post master who did not give him a chance to speak. "God has answered!" the post master yelled. He handed Pablo the envelope with the nine hundred dollars which Pablo gladly accepted from him. He quickly opened the envelope and counted the money inside. Suddenly he became furious and left in a fit of rage. This obviously confused the post master who assumed that he would be happy. He sighed and went back to his work, wondering why Pablo was so frustrated...

Pablo left the post office for the church. Upon entering the small chapel, he saw the priest. "Father! father!" He exclaimed. "What is it Pablo?" The priest replied. The priest knew Pablo from prior visits on Sundays and knew of his troubles with his farm. "Father, I must let you know..." Pablo said in a sorrowful tone to the priest. "Tell me my child." He replied. Pablo looked in to the priests eyes and sighed before telling him... "The post master is a thief."

I would have gone in to greater detail but I think I would have exceeded the word limit if I tried. Instead I just stuck to the story and left out most of the detail describing the characters appearances & subtle actions.

Hmm. This one is a bit troublesome to grade.

First off I am aware of the joke that you are trying to convey in this sample. A pretty funny one when told as a joke. However, a joke story like this really isn't the best format for one of these roleplay samples. This is primarily an issue because jokes are usually conveyed with very short or simple sentences. That makes it not the best example to be used to show your writing skills. Honestly when just read like this the writing is rather boring because it is so simple. There is very little life in it and that honestly is what I have to grade. I know you can do better than this but I have to go with what I see.

Tier 3

Lieutenant level characters and downward are available to you.

I have to say I highly recommend that you make another sample, perhaps one that isn't based around a simple story or joke. It is obvious you know how to write and there aren't any noticeable errors grammatically or spelling wise, but the simplicity keeps it from getting Tier 2 or higher.

Its your choice whether you want to write a second one or not but I highly recommend it. I have seen your writing before and it is much stronger than this.

In Ben's chamber, the only things that one would be able to see, were the numbers on his digital clock which read 6:59 PM. As the clock struck seven, a very loud and annoying alarm sounded. Ben rolled, extending his arm and slapped the top of the alarm clock hoping to hit the snooze button, which he missed. He continued to raise his arm and whack the top of the clock several times in anger until he finally realized that his snooze button was broken from being whacked so hard so many times in the past. He flicked the switch which turned off the alarm and yawned as he rolled on to his back. Ben groaned as he wondered why he set the damn thing in the first place. Which is when he remembered that today was the day.

Ben pulled a string on the wall side of his bed which pulled up the blinds on his window, brightening up his messy chamber. In his room there were dirty clothes all over the floor, as well as some clean ones piled up at the foot of his bed. A small television set was placed on top of his dresser at the opposite side of his room next to the door. There really wasn't much to look at other than the mess... Ben was fairly poor and couldn't afford much else to decorate his room with. He lifted himself out of his bed and dressed himself before leaving his room.

Today, the store from across the street was opened late and a really short and skinny cashier named Tim was working. Ben scoped out the store for a month trying to figure out when that kid was working. He needed to know because he was going to rob the place and thought that it would be easier if he did so while the kid was working. He slept through the afternoon so that he would feel fresh for the robbery although it didn't seem to work that way. Ben felt quite horrible, almost as if he was drinking the night before and had a hangover. "A little coffee should fix this." Ben said to himself. He normally didn't drink coffee but he thought that it was a special enough occasion to start. Luckily he bought some instant coffee a week ago for this very instance! He boiled some water and put about five teaspoons of coffee in to the mug in which he poured the water. After drinking it his heart started to race and he started to pace around his room.

Suddenly he remembered one very important piece for the robbery! "My piece!" He yelled as he ran back in to his room and opened the drawer in his night table. There laid a shiny six shooter. Its purpose should be quite obvious at this point... He tucked the six shooter in the back of his pants and looked at the clock. 9:00 PM it read. "Its about damn time!" Ben exclaimed. He quickly left his messy apartment and made his way down to the street. He was pumped and ready! That coffee really did its job he thought. His heart was pumping a mile a minute and his eyes were wider than a whore's you know what. He ran across the busy street with no regard for the traffic and entered the store.

Tim was working just as he thought. He walked straight up to the counter. "HEY!" He yelled as Tim turned away from the computer and looked at him. "Yeah? What is it Ben?" He replied causing Ben to freeze. Suddenly he realized that he didn't have his mask on! He was in such a hurry that he forgot the most important piece after the gun! "NOTHING!" Ben yelled as he turned around and left the store, ran across the busy street again and went back up to his apartment.

He searched his room for his mask. Unfortunately he couldn't find it in the mess of clothes all over his floor. "Why don't I use that goddamn dresser!" He yelled in frustration. He searched and searched and found nothing. Suddenly he found an old speedo he wore once for his ex-girlfriend. He sighed as he said to himself. "It has to be tonight..." He put the speedo over his head leaving only his eyes and mouth visible. He ran back out of his apartment and back down to the street.

This time, as he ran across the street a taxi struck him. Tires squealed and people yelled as Ben fell on to his side with a broken rib. "GOD DAMNIT!" He yelled in pain. The taxi driver got out of his vehicle and ran up to Ben. "hey are you ok?" He asked as Tim came running out of the store. "Don't worry, I already called nine one one!" Tim said. At this point Ben was crashing from the coffee. Things just weren't going as planned and tears actually came to Ben's eyes. Not only did he fail, but everyone saw him with a speedo on his head...

OOC: Hopefully you'll find this one more entertaining... If not then screw it I'm not writing another. I can't stand writing stories like this.

Not judging it, just saying that this latest one is kinda sorta...against what we asked for? I know it said somewhere that roleplay samples are to be about normal, routine days for the person involved. I highly, HIGHLY doubt he gets hit by cars and fails robberies on an almost daily basis. I personally suggest you try doing something else, this one just isn't doing it for me.

I haven't read it enough to grade it but I think it just fits under the umbrella of the rules. I normally say the sample should specifically not have "supernatural elements like shinigami" and "lots of action". I wouldn't say that this really had either. And maybe the guy is a really shitty robber and this has happened before.

So I am gonna let it slide because even though it ain't something that happens on a daily basis, as long as it doesn't have those two things mentioned above I usually okay it. People don't stand 40 hours in line for a video game every day either.

Will edit with a grade later. If you wish to discuss with me Kuro then we can do so via skype chat later today.

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Tier 3
The third highest tier you can receive. This tier is for those that have problems in their writing that may cause issues for those reading it, be it a lack of notable content, confusing structure, or simply an abundance of mistakes. Those of this tier typically have a fatal flaw in their otherwise strong writing and are thus placed here until they overcome it. They do not have access to the Elders, nor do they have access to the people of the highest seat of power, such as Captains and Espada.

In my first sample I did not show any confusing structure, an abundance of mistakes or lack of notable content. Zaf said there were no spelling or grammatical mistakes. I do not believe I should be held back because my first sample was boring...

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Tier 2
The second highest tier you can receive. To manage to make this tier, your writing should be well-constructed in a manner that leaves little question as to the plot and characters involved. Upon receiving this tier, only the Elder races are out of your grasp -- you may make a character of any seat of power of your choosing.

The story in the first sample was relatively easy to follow in my own opinion. Once again the only problem was the fact that it was boring...

I didn't complain or anything when I was given Tier 3. I made another sample. I made it appear a little more vibrant and exciting but now I'm getting complaints about it being too over the top... Gawsh darnit!